I totally need swimming again, I cannot remain without exercise. Musical was fun today and yesterday and yesterday we did this thing ("soul circle") where we all said our feelings about the musical and I got emotional when I started to talk about it. I said all these good things about it and honestly I really don't like it that much. I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't really fit into any of the other puzzle pieces even though I can kinda force myself to fit in with a few people. And I don't feel good about myself after. I'm a really minor role, and its weird going from a top swimmer to a less than average performer. I'd probably like it more if I was better at singing or had a lead role.
A lot of girls there are bitches. Total bitches. And they need to shut the fuck up, I'm not kidding. The overall atmosphere is positive but you can tell that there a lot of bitchy people and dirty looks and cliques. At least to me. Musical isn't even a team effort its like everyone's in it for themselves.
Anyway that's probably one of the last times ill tell you about musical. I came out to a guy in musical and I'm waiting for a reaction. It's a little awkward but that's how it always starts out I guess.
I failed a math quiz i think.
Its really nice outside.
I'm either gonna take a nap or stay up and eat or do other things on my laptop.

Today is one of the few days when i come back home straight from school.. I'm listening to ben and dave's six pack. The two of them have realllyyy hot voices. who's mike huckabee? Its like free gay news i can download to my computer. Check it out. The weather is amazing today.
I have my first musical performance today and we're most likely going to sell out on of the days. I'm really excited. My mom's making cookies.. bye

I wish I had more friends or had made more of an effort to make friends. I have a few but I don't go out and do stuff with groups of people. I must work out more. Today was the ACT for juniors and we didn't have school. It was pretty cool. I'm going to an omelet place tomorrow morning because we have a late arrival. Anyway its all really nice its like we have a weekend.

I am not in a calm mood right now. Today I was happy overall though and I felt good.
My mom lets me have a laptop and I can keep it in my room sometimes. There's no school tomorrow and I was in bed under the covers and I had just finished ..relieving some tension. I had my laptop. My mom has a habit of walking into my room and asking me questions. So I was in bed. She walks in. Does not knock. 'Give me your laptop. You can't stay on too long." I said I was on for half an hour. "How much homework do you have?" Not that much I said. "How much have you gotten done? How many hours do you have left?" Not that many. "How many? You need to get your homework done." I REPEATEDLY tell her to get out of my room. PLEASE get out of my room. "THOMAS I NEED to know how much homework you have today. I NEED to take your laptop." Get out of my room. "I'm taking your laptop right now." NO. "I'm going to have dad take it away." Why do you give me a laptop if you're never going to let me have it? Theres no school tomorrow. Ahem. There's no school tomorrow! please leave!
So she walks out and a few seconds later walks in and says something like "I want to let you know that blah blah your future blah blah homework blah blah." GO AWAY! Why don't you bother my sister? Why don't you bombard her with homework questions? So she goes on talking, telling me what to do. She can never lose an argument. She never gives in and never stops talking sometimes. I scream. GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW. GET OUT OF MY ROOM. GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
I took a blood pressure test earlier this morning and they said it was fine but I looked at all my friends blood pressure scores and apparently I actually do have high blood pressure. When I scream I strain my voice like crazy and I feel like my face turns red with blood. I'll have outbursts sometimes if someone or something really makes me mad. I usually let an argument like this with my mom slide but I felt like I didn't want to be taken advantage of today. Even if my blood pressure does go up.
I got a 97 on my math test that I took yesterday while I was on my ADD meds. This seriously proves that I need to take those pills whenever there's a test day.
Juniors have the ACT tomorrow and I just feel bad for them. I'm sad I need to take it next year. But at least for me it means there's no school tomorrow, hehe

Musical practices go to ten o clock.
be who you are and say how you feel cuz those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
I feel stupid when I probably should not. I took concerta to help me concentrate (ADD meds, i could probably make a lot of money selling it to classmates, and yeah people actually do that) and holy crap did it work. It helped so much. Usually i take a small dose of it that lasts 4 hours and it barely does shit but today I took the one that lasts 12 hours and it was insane. I have never felt such a desire to stay focused. I actually wanted to learn haha. Every distraction went away.
I did some bicep curls today just to make myself feel like I'm not deteriorating.. I haven't done any exercise in a long long time. I'm not even in gym this semester because I'm taking health.
A.H said I was cute. A.H. is a gay kid who goes to the other school in our district, we met through gay mutual friends. He's in the pit while I'm performing the musical, and we say hi sometimes. He said he wishes I was single. I'll get into my relationship situation later.
There's a guy in the musical who I find very attractive. I really feel like putting myself out more.
I got essentially no homework done.
I think I'll get some thoughts down everyday.

Being in a musical

I think I've decided not to take my laptop outside of my house.
I decided to do the school musical because.. I wanted to experience what different types of people can be like. I wanted to meet gay people too. Now that I've joined musical, I've realized that I was correct: there are gay people. There's like three or four ones who are out. However these gay people are not the gay people that I would have liked to have met. It's not that they're not cool, it's that they're weird, or peculiar in a social or physical (or both) way. I am being super judgmental right now but that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I get a lot of evil stares from people that I don't know when I pass by them. Many aspects of the experience has been very awkward. There are also a lot of people who I just don't like. It makes me mad how they can never shut up, and how they act so energetic and dramatic all the time. Life is not so dramatic all of you people are just wasting your energy.
I didn't really know what I had signed up for when I started it. A guy missed his brothers wedding to go to one of the rehearsals. We stay from after school til ten at night. On weekends its noon to ten. It's kind of fun talking to people but I feel crappy afterwards because my part in the musical is so little and I feel like I waste my time being there because I really don't do anything important.
There are like, three hot guys there. And it's not like they're gay either.
I have honors classes that I need to do homework consistently for. My mom told me that she wanted me to go to an ivy league school. It was kind of out of the blue, although she had mentioned to me before that she though that I would fit in at a smart school. Now she's demanding it from me. I don't want to go to an ivy league school. I used to think that I did, but it seems so unlikely that I would get in. Also I would have a lot of trouble feeling like I was special in any way. And I don't want to be surrounded by people whose main priority is.. being smart. I'd rather be surrounded by people who are well rounded. I'd rather have someone more well rounded.
My experience is that really smart people are not the people who i enjoy being around, because they talk like they're better than you, or they talk in a way that is hard to keep up with or hard to understand.
I jump around to different subjects a lot. Sorry if its unclear what I'm talking about.
Anyway I have some homework to do I guess for my classes. I think I'll be happy with B's this semester. I don't care. This semester was really hard and it will be such a relief to get it over with.
Anyway I think I have an interesting concluding thought. It's not a positive thought, but it's sort of interesting and sort of important that I write it down for myself. I have a strong need to feel proud of myself. If I talk to loud, I feel obnoxious. If I act flamboyantly gay, I feel uncomfortable and sort of disgusted with myself. A lot of times I will look back on my behavior and decide whether or not I am proud of or satisfied with how I have acted. The part of this that's interesting is that I rarely feel proud of myself or satisfied with myself. The vast majority of the time it's just 'okay' for me. The times I feel good about myself is when I am swimming, or when I finish a hard swimming set, or when I spend a whole day with good posture, or when I act tough and masculine and assertive around my friends. Sometimes I wish I had pushed down my feelings of being gay and had never come out to anyone. That way I could forget that it existed, and I would feel less embarrassed by it. I could look at myself and be proud myself, and I could tell myself that I am someone that other people would look up to, or possibly be a little intimidated by. I could pretend that I wasn't gay and build up a masculine character for myself. That's why sometimes I wish I played football or baseball. I could have been good at it, and people would look up to me and I would be compelled to act manly.
I am not proud of being in musical and I tell as little people as I can. I don't like it there, I feel like an idiot, I feel like crap, and I feel like I need swimming to bring me back to life.

who can we trust?

I recently have been reading a guys blog named mikey, who seemed nice and cute and personal. I practically fell in love with him, his courage, his stories. I had so much admiration for him. It kills me to find out that he's not real. These things hurt too much. I cried.

He seemed like a hot modest quiet sweet masculine athletic unassuming kid. And I contemplated emailing him to meet up when i went over to minnesota for a swim meet. I put a lot of trust and willingness to believe everything that was said.. and i felt connected to a more exciting and intense world where mikey lived. i had so much admiration within me. I never suspected anything.

So like i said, it kills me. There is so much there that i believed, and that i was so glad to be true. None of it seems to matter now that its gone. A whole world, is gone. A whole world is a fantasy made in the mind of a forty year old guy who wants to fool kids for attention. I wonder what must have gone through his mind when he started the blog. He helped so many people and if anything i wish he hadn't let out his real identity. 

I've seen some blogs of people who claim that they're closeted star NBA people or football players and that to me now is total bullshit. Its so obvious that they're fake even by the way they write their blogs. I'm afraid to believe other people and you may doubt me, and i can never blame you. but my purpose is to make up for the lack of genuine people. I will be truthful.. and i won't make you fall on your face like what had happened to me. 

So

I am:

A sophomore in high school, varsity swimmer, six foot one, part asian. I'm gay, I think that'll probably be important to readers. I think that's all the info I'm going to put out right now. I made a blogger thing a while ago and post some stuff but it failed so i deleted it all. So I hope there are people that can relate to this. I may not be the popular manly hockey or football or baseball player (although I wish I was) but.. I guess this is what you get.

Oh.. I used to talk really teenager-y and yeah but I stopped and started to use grammar because.. I dont know why. But I'm used to writing this way I feel more articulate and maybe people will take this more seriously. Anyway. That's enough for today. I am heartbroken, but I've started this thing which hopefully will be a good thing for others and myself. 

Anyway, goodnight