Sunday, April 25, 2010

Being in a musical

I think I've decided not to take my laptop outside of my house.
I decided to do the school musical because.. I wanted to experience what different types of people can be like. I wanted to meet gay people too. Now that I've joined musical, I've realized that I was correct: there are gay people. There's like three or four ones who are out. However these gay people are not the gay people that I would have liked to have met. It's not that they're not cool, it's that they're weird, or peculiar in a social or physical (or both) way. I am being super judgmental right now but that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I get a lot of evil stares from people that I don't know when I pass by them. Many aspects of the experience has been very awkward. There are also a lot of people who I just don't like. It makes me mad how they can never shut up, and how they act so energetic and dramatic all the time. Life is not so dramatic all of you people are just wasting your energy.
I didn't really know what I had signed up for when I started it. A guy missed his brothers wedding to go to one of the rehearsals. We stay from after school til ten at night. On weekends its noon to ten. It's kind of fun talking to people but I feel crappy afterwards because my part in the musical is so little and I feel like I waste my time being there because I really don't do anything important.
There are like, three hot guys there. And it's not like they're gay either.
I have honors classes that I need to do homework consistently for. My mom told me that she wanted me to go to an ivy league school. It was kind of out of the blue, although she had mentioned to me before that she though that I would fit in at a smart school. Now she's demanding it from me. I don't want to go to an ivy league school. I used to think that I did, but it seems so unlikely that I would get in. Also I would have a lot of trouble feeling like I was special in any way. And I don't want to be surrounded by people whose main priority is.. being smart. I'd rather be surrounded by people who are well rounded. I'd rather have someone more well rounded.
My experience is that really smart people are not the people who i enjoy being around, because they talk like they're better than you, or they talk in a way that is hard to keep up with or hard to understand.
I jump around to different subjects a lot. Sorry if its unclear what I'm talking about.
Anyway I have some homework to do I guess for my classes. I think I'll be happy with B's this semester. I don't care. This semester was really hard and it will be such a relief to get it over with.
Anyway I think I have an interesting concluding thought. It's not a positive thought, but it's sort of interesting and sort of important that I write it down for myself. I have a strong need to feel proud of myself. If I talk to loud, I feel obnoxious. If I act flamboyantly gay, I feel uncomfortable and sort of disgusted with myself. A lot of times I will look back on my behavior and decide whether or not I am proud of or satisfied with how I have acted. The part of this that's interesting is that I rarely feel proud of myself or satisfied with myself. The vast majority of the time it's just 'okay' for me. The times I feel good about myself is when I am swimming, or when I finish a hard swimming set, or when I spend a whole day with good posture, or when I act tough and masculine and assertive around my friends. Sometimes I wish I had pushed down my feelings of being gay and had never come out to anyone. That way I could forget that it existed, and I would feel less embarrassed by it. I could look at myself and be proud myself, and I could tell myself that I am someone that other people would look up to, or possibly be a little intimidated by. I could pretend that I wasn't gay and build up a masculine character for myself. That's why sometimes I wish I played football or baseball. I could have been good at it, and people would look up to me and I would be compelled to act manly.
I am not proud of being in musical and I tell as little people as I can. I don't like it there, I feel like an idiot, I feel like crap, and I feel like I need swimming to bring me back to life.

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