buddhism

Well not really buddhism. But meditation.
We had a guy come into my eastern religions class to meditate with us and teach us how to do it. He seemed to be around thirty or forty. At first he came off as kinda awkward cuz he had a deep forced voice and he talked kinda fast. So he told us to close our eyes and forget about everything. Since finals is coming up I've been worrying a lot so that's been hard to do. He then said to just exist. Nothing matters except the present so forget about the future and the past. Stuff like that. Anyway, he said more stuff but that was the main idea of it. Then we got to ask him questions and he turned out to be really cool and he had a really sweet and sort of nervous personality which i found really cute. We asked him questions and apparently he decided to go to Buddhism because it offered a solution to the problem of human suffering which he couldn't find in the catholic church at that time. He identifies as Buddhist and Catholic at the same time and he talked about how some of his family members stopped talking to him because he became a Buddhist.
Someone asked if he would raise his kids Buddhist and he said that he wasn't married.
I see him as a sort of guy who is lonely and sad and self loathing but at the same time is looking for someone because he has a lot of love to offer. Maybe he's gay. What a sad life to be gay and have a deeply catholic family.

Anyway I went up to him after class to talk.. He's not very attractive but he has dark hair and dark eyes and he has a very solid presence. He was sorta cute actually. I asked him what I could to if I wanted to start practicing meditation by myself at home. He was very nice and said to spend five minutes in the morning sitting on the side of my bed and close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. He said that if I do this enough that I'll eventually be able to do it for longer periods of time.

So I left class and told people that I was gonna become a Buddhist. A lot of people were like wow don't do that or like wow that's gay. So I stopped telling people cuz I don't wana seem like some poser Buddhist. But I'm gonna try meditating the morning.

sunday ..bleh

today was possibly the nicest day all year. I rode my bike around then i went to a friends house and we just sat outside and talked it was so relaxing. I'm planning to get together with him and a few other guys to record some songs we made up. We're pretty good. we started the band like last year but we didn't get together too often. When we did we got a lot done though, and we probably have like ten original songs in total now. Our guitarist is really freaking good. He basically makes the band. The other two guys are on the swim team with me and they okay (drums and bass) they mainly just write lyrics. I sing and write awesome lyrics. This summer is when all our good shit is gonna come out and we're gonna make cd's and make lots of money. Yeah just wait and see.. our name is dirty plunger so just like google us in a few months haha
Finals are in two weeks and I probs wont have time to get on here and write stuff.. but maybe during the summer.

my goals

my goals for this weekend:
Watch TV (haven't done that in a LONG time)
go to the library to study
see people that I haven't seen in a while
get up before 9 on saturday and sunday morning

swimming

So I was looking through pictures from last high school season and it brought back fond memories. I'm really thankful that I have swimming in my life. I used to hate it a lot cuz it was hard and time consuming but as of right now I look back and it's all so rewarding. My best friends are on the swim team and I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I used to not want to swim in college but now I honestly think that would be the stupidest thing ever because I would miss out on some of the greatest experiences of being on a team. There isn't really any other feeling like it. It's also given me a bunch of self esteem that probably wouldn't be there if I didn't swim. I'd probably have no muscle at all if I didn't swim. So yeah.. teams are awesome. Everyone basically loves each other and looks out for each other. The older guys on the team have been like older brothers.. and right now I'm trying to be the same to the younger guys. Club season is going on, which is fine, but I really want to go back to high school season because it was so much fun. I kinda regret not doing polo. I'm gonna miss the seniors next year..

cloudy day

Today was a pretty chill day. I asked my mom to call me out of my first two periods cuz I had an impossible chem test I didn't study for.. and I sorta regret doing that cuz I'll have to take it tomorrow by myself with no one to cheat off. That's about it. I just got back home.. and everything's like super chill. So yeah that's all

ello

hellllllllooooooo
I've tried to fix my posture so many times its pretty much a failed effort..
So I've resorted to picking the most generic name for my blog, but it pretty much sums up what I am and its sort of appealing
I'm really excited for college even though I know I'm only a sophomore. I remember in eighth grade being really nervous for high school (especially the swim team) and I kinda have the same feeling now when I think of college. I mean I'm sure it'll be cool and fun but the whole thing seems big and intimidating sometimes.
I've been kind of unhappy again lately and I don't really know what to do with myself. I always stay up late sunday night doing hw and that probs what I'm gonna do tonight.
How do I promote this silly blog? Don't hesitate to click follow ;)

saturday (well, sunday now)

I had a reunion with the musical people I hung out with. It was only two weeks ago when it ended but it seems like longer.
It was in my friend's awesome basement and he has a karaoke and loud ass speaker and a bunch of crazy cool lights. I was actually really happy to see everyone again and i realized I'm really comfortable around those people. I mean, most of them know I'm gay and that's probably why.
Anyway there's this one really cute freshman kid who's really funny and he was at the party. He's jacked and has a low voice so he seems more like a junior or someone my age. He's really really cute. The whole night I felt like he was flirting with me, like I was lying on this couch next to my friend and he just jumps on top of us and he asks me to feel his abs. So I did and I started to get hard so i told him to get off so he wouldnt feel it. haha. Then later we were sitting next to each other and we were talking and he starts rubbing my arm.. so yeah. I guess he's bi or something. He's acts really straight and is kinda a jock.. but I wana have another reunion so i can see him again and maybe we can get somewhere
A friend of mine told me he did shrooms. He made it sound really cool and he said the grass was smiling at him.
So apparently rock n roll was originally a euphemism for sex.. i didn't know that. It makes so much sense that I think about it now.
I'm doing a project on radiohead in my music theory class. The guys in the band all cool guys. Like they all are smart and went to college and aren't like huge druggies like they live responsible lives. Only one of them is hot (I forgot his name). Thom Yorke is a weirdo, in a good way though! He's pretty funny looking and one of his eyes is droopy cuz he was born with one of his eyelids shut. I listened to their song 'creep' for the first time in a while and actually though about the lyrics and its pretty sad. The chorus goes: I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here I don't belong here.. and yeah. The song's basically about this girl that Thom Yorke stalked around after he saw her at one of his concerts. A little weird. I still feel bad for him.
I haven't been to swim practice in a week and it's really pathetic how I've barely gone to practice the past two months. I feel like I could have gotten better or at least gotten in better shape. But I've been getting a lot of homework.. and there's only about two or three weeks left of school so after that I'll definitely try to buff up again.
So I think I said this already but I have decided not to do the musical next year..
I feel like such a stereotypical gay boy when I'm doing the musical and at least when I swim I'll be breaking some stereotypes and I can feel good about myself.
I know I'm just bringing up random topics but that's how my brain works. Final thought
I kinda want to go back into the closet. I mean I haven't told that many people at my school but I have a few groups of friends where a substantial amount of people know about me. I miss the closet cuz I felt like I was living a double life whenever I would go off and watch porn or gay shows or movies. Then I'd go back to life and be a normal kid. Now I guess I'm more self conscious about it because more people know and I just can't pretend like it doesn't exist. But once I was talking to this guy I met online and he was bi athletic guy who was in the closet and I asked him why he didn't come out. And he was like "Are you an athlete?" Like 'don't you understand?' as if it's so obvious that I should stay in the closet. So I thought about that a lot.. And also he said something like "your personal life is supposed to be a secret and that's what makes it special"
I'm an athlete. And all my out gay friends don't do sports. I don't know any out gay swimmers. There are some really good swimmers that are obviously gay but don't say anything about it. Like Sam Metz and kevin overholt.
Anyway I'm still deciding what I want and when and if I want to come out fully. I might just come out as bi cuz I feel like all the hot guys who like guys are bi. And I can still retain some of my masculinity. I mean, I guess I do kinda like girls.. well never mind. haha.
It's late.. goodnight

ae;bvaoi/l;sdmc

I have done nothing with my day
today was a pretty uncomfortable day in general and i had two papers to write last night so i went to bed late. Things have been pretty dull lately.

This this cute kid name peter who is in my health class and I'm under the impression that he is bisexual. It says so on his facebook and i sometimes hear references about it. But I'm not entirely sure. I alway check his facebook to make sure it still says he's bisexual.

My other friend peter might have a party saturday cuz his mom is gone. I'm pretty excited I've only been to one real high school party so far. I guess Peter's a bad influence on me but in a different sense its good that I'm able to experience new things like weed and drinking. haha okay well i guess those things aren't good. But he's a fun guy to be around and im glad he showed my those things.

Anyway..my first and only real party was a few months ago a the end of February after the state meet. But it was my first one and I ended up drinking a shitload and had to go to a club swim meet the next morning. (Thats when i discovered i dont get hangovers lol) Anyway a couple guys on the team were telling me how they were doubting that i was going to drink. I'm pretty sure people see me as the guy who never hangs out or does anything cool because he has to do homework and swim all the time and he probably has strict parents. I mean, that's kinda true but I don't want people to think that about me. I mean I want to have fun and do crazy shit but im not exactly an outgoing person so i guess that closes a lot of opportunities for me.

I recently found out about two closeted gay guys at my school (I have my sources). A few years ago i thought the world was devoid of gays but that perspective has completely changed this past year.

sleep and blowjobs

sleep is so important to my day because without it i usually feel really shitty and bad about myself. I'm a really tall guy and the past few years i have gotten used to being 6'1 but for the most part i'm pretty self conscious about my height.. Anyway its embarrassing for me if I can't act calm and mature because if I'm unable to do that I feel like a big tall idiot.
I'm thinking about whether or not this journal is really good for me. Usually the more I think about things the worse things get. If I'm really lighthearted about everything and just shove stuff off with a 'whatever' I end up happier than I would feel if I look into my life and think about stuff.
I got my first blowjob a few days ago on friday. It was from this cool guy who drives me around and is amazingly cute. I told my close straight friend about it and he was like 'congrats' then the mental image hit him and he got grossed out haha.
Anyway. The cute guy is really nice. I originally wanted a relationship but now I don't see that happening.. it's fine with me if we just screw around and cuddle sometimes. i've been thinking about the experience a lot lately.. and I feel like I miss him sometimes. I'm afraid to let him know though because whenever I try to contact him or text him he sends me the shortest responses and its really discouraging.. and he barely ever acts like he really cares about me. He acts like a jerk sometimes.. and he talks a lot about himself. I'll get lucky if he asks me a question in one of our conversations. But he's the best I have for now, and I love a lot of things about him (his face, masculinity, generosity..) And he drives me around everywhere voluntarily and he can be sweet sometimes and he can make my heart melt. Sometimes.
The past hour and a half has been so unproductive. I mean, I just can't not look at porn. I really don't deserve a laptop in my room. Honestly.. my parents should take it away. Its bad for me.

life. yeah

I wish school could be over.. so badly. Things are falling apart. I want my damn license. Fucking shit. I want it so badly. I have to wait another year. Things are going so.. i just feel really bad. I feel really shitty about myself. I want another day off from school. I don't want homework.
I think I'll take a shower. why do i even write in here?