sleep and blowjobs

sleep is so important to my day because without it i usually feel really shitty and bad about myself. I'm a really tall guy and the past few years i have gotten used to being 6'1 but for the most part i'm pretty self conscious about my height.. Anyway its embarrassing for me if I can't act calm and mature because if I'm unable to do that I feel like a big tall idiot.
I'm thinking about whether or not this journal is really good for me. Usually the more I think about things the worse things get. If I'm really lighthearted about everything and just shove stuff off with a 'whatever' I end up happier than I would feel if I look into my life and think about stuff.
I got my first blowjob a few days ago on friday. It was from this cool guy who drives me around and is amazingly cute. I told my close straight friend about it and he was like 'congrats' then the mental image hit him and he got grossed out haha.
Anyway. The cute guy is really nice. I originally wanted a relationship but now I don't see that happening.. it's fine with me if we just screw around and cuddle sometimes. i've been thinking about the experience a lot lately.. and I feel like I miss him sometimes. I'm afraid to let him know though because whenever I try to contact him or text him he sends me the shortest responses and its really discouraging.. and he barely ever acts like he really cares about me. He acts like a jerk sometimes.. and he talks a lot about himself. I'll get lucky if he asks me a question in one of our conversations. But he's the best I have for now, and I love a lot of things about him (his face, masculinity, generosity..) And he drives me around everywhere voluntarily and he can be sweet sometimes and he can make my heart melt. Sometimes.
The past hour and a half has been so unproductive. I mean, I just can't not look at porn. I really don't deserve a laptop in my room. Honestly.. my parents should take it away. Its bad for me.