Sunday, May 16, 2010

saturday (well, sunday now)

I had a reunion with the musical people I hung out with. It was only two weeks ago when it ended but it seems like longer.
It was in my friend's awesome basement and he has a karaoke and loud ass speaker and a bunch of crazy cool lights. I was actually really happy to see everyone again and i realized I'm really comfortable around those people. I mean, most of them know I'm gay and that's probably why.
Anyway there's this one really cute freshman kid who's really funny and he was at the party. He's jacked and has a low voice so he seems more like a junior or someone my age. He's really really cute. The whole night I felt like he was flirting with me, like I was lying on this couch next to my friend and he just jumps on top of us and he asks me to feel his abs. So I did and I started to get hard so i told him to get off so he wouldnt feel it. haha. Then later we were sitting next to each other and we were talking and he starts rubbing my arm.. so yeah. I guess he's bi or something. He's acts really straight and is kinda a jock.. but I wana have another reunion so i can see him again and maybe we can get somewhere
A friend of mine told me he did shrooms. He made it sound really cool and he said the grass was smiling at him.
So apparently rock n roll was originally a euphemism for sex.. i didn't know that. It makes so much sense that I think about it now.
I'm doing a project on radiohead in my music theory class. The guys in the band all cool guys. Like they all are smart and went to college and aren't like huge druggies like they live responsible lives. Only one of them is hot (I forgot his name). Thom Yorke is a weirdo, in a good way though! He's pretty funny looking and one of his eyes is droopy cuz he was born with one of his eyelids shut. I listened to their song 'creep' for the first time in a while and actually though about the lyrics and its pretty sad. The chorus goes: I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here I don't belong here.. and yeah. The song's basically about this girl that Thom Yorke stalked around after he saw her at one of his concerts. A little weird. I still feel bad for him.
I haven't been to swim practice in a week and it's really pathetic how I've barely gone to practice the past two months. I feel like I could have gotten better or at least gotten in better shape. But I've been getting a lot of homework.. and there's only about two or three weeks left of school so after that I'll definitely try to buff up again.
So I think I said this already but I have decided not to do the musical next year..
I feel like such a stereotypical gay boy when I'm doing the musical and at least when I swim I'll be breaking some stereotypes and I can feel good about myself.
I know I'm just bringing up random topics but that's how my brain works. Final thought
I kinda want to go back into the closet. I mean I haven't told that many people at my school but I have a few groups of friends where a substantial amount of people know about me. I miss the closet cuz I felt like I was living a double life whenever I would go off and watch porn or gay shows or movies. Then I'd go back to life and be a normal kid. Now I guess I'm more self conscious about it because more people know and I just can't pretend like it doesn't exist. But once I was talking to this guy I met online and he was bi athletic guy who was in the closet and I asked him why he didn't come out. And he was like "Are you an athlete?" Like 'don't you understand?' as if it's so obvious that I should stay in the closet. So I thought about that a lot.. And also he said something like "your personal life is supposed to be a secret and that's what makes it special"
I'm an athlete. And all my out gay friends don't do sports. I don't know any out gay swimmers. There are some really good swimmers that are obviously gay but don't say anything about it. Like Sam Metz and kevin overholt.
Anyway I'm still deciding what I want and when and if I want to come out fully. I might just come out as bi cuz I feel like all the hot guys who like guys are bi. And I can still retain some of my masculinity. I mean, I guess I do kinda like girls.. well never mind. haha.
It's late.. goodnight

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