I guess a lot has happened. I've really started to relax this past week. Swimming is over (for now, I start again in a few weeks) and I had my last swim meet last weekend. Thus I have had more energy and time to work out regularly.
Swimming, even though it helps me feel good and stay in shape, drains a LOT of energy out of me. After a week of not having swim practices or meets, I've realized that I have sooo much more energy to do stuff. I have more motivation to go out and socialize with people. And even though I'm still working out everyday, I don't feel as drained after working out as I do after I swim.
So basically I've been feeling really good and energized lately.
I came out to a few girls who I was sorta friends with before and now all of a sudden they want to hang out with me more haha. I went to downtown evanston (no, I don't live in evanston) and got clothes (really gay, I know right) (but they were cool clothes and really cheap) and went to flattop afterwards. It was fun. Girls are ten times nicer to you when they know you're gay.
I was on facebook a few nights ago and my friend (who I'm already out to) told me that his friend Blake knows that I'm gay. I barely know Blake. So apparently Blake found out I was gay from my friend Ryan who is on the high school swim team with me. And I was like how the hell did Ryan find out?? I didn't think anyone on the swim team knew. So now I figure everyone is finding out and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't think people have really had a problem with it so far. No one has been avoiding me. If anything people have become nicer to me and I feel closer to the people that know. I guess by next year I will officially be "out". The process of coming out was easier than I thought... all I had to do was tell a few people who can't keep a secret and eventually everyone will know.
I used to be really self conscious of the fact that I was gay. I was afraid that people at school would judge me and would resent me because of it. So far all my friends, however, have been supportive and coming out has been completely worth it. If people resent me because I'm gay then I can honestly say that I couldn't care less.
There have been points in my life where I feel so desperate to be normal that I tell myself that I can't be gay and that to be happy I have to like women. And this lasts about a day or two and I realize that being straight, for me, is pretty impossible. Trying to be someone else only makes me depressed. And the negative social consequences or whatever that come with being gay... well... I've realized they're not so bad if I get to be who I am.
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Coming out does sort of reach a critical mass, where the process goes on without you. That's a good thing, because it means you can just be you without censure. It also means that if there *is* someone who has a problem with it, you won't have to deal with it: your friends usually take care of it for you.
ReplyDeleteI was never one of the "cool kids" in school - until I came out freshman year of high school. I didn't even realize anything was different until one day my junior year I was walking down a hallway and people I'd never met were saying "hi" to me by name. I surreptitiously asked around, and it turned out that it was pretty well known (and fully accepted) that I was "the gay kid" on campus.
The process of coming out will never end. Technically since I tried to change my sexuality I am heading back in the closet and will have to sooner or later if this works tell people I changed my sexuality.
ReplyDeleteBasically there is always someone who you do not know and someone who does not know you. And therefore when you go through life making connections, you will get better and better at coming out. But the process will never end.