Hey hotties!

At the library, trying to do college apps.

hahahahahahahaha

yeah

trying

They're due in a week and a half and my parents wont let me do shit until I get them done.

I'll let you know where I go. I love Brown..

It's weird how I get less nervous about getting into college as the deadline approaches. Like, I was freaking out as a Junior, and now I'm still somewhat freaked out but I'm significantly calmer about it now as a senior. I started this blog as a sophomore. Damn it's been a while.

But yeah, I love Brown, and it's for sure where I know I'll be happiest. I adore everything about it. I just have to get these essays done.

Oh

And I love tumblr. does anyone have it? its the greatest! so much fun stuff. I'm trying to cut down though, but still a great site. If you have lots of time its the place to be.

get

me off the computer. Hi guys. Meditation, good posture and good breathing changes the way you think. lets all try it.

miilian=h sat like stone upon the fireld
and waited for the rest of the party to arrie
they just enjoyed the sky of blue
and filled somehow with mild sensations
i cant explain
their presence broke htm up
and sshinkgls like a sage\snade ess emage'

Sometimes

Sometimes you can spend a long time forgetting about your feelings, and avoid thinking deeply about anything personal. Then there are other periods of time when you always think deep thoughts. It's hard to know which is better.
Sometimes it feels like over thinking things makes things worse and more complicated than they should be. Other times they put things in perspective.

asdf

I did Habitat for Humanity this past week. It was great. It's where you build houses for either low-income families or families that have been impacted by natural disasters. We stayed in a church, slept on the ground, ate all together. It was like a new family. It was a completely different environment to live in, where everyone is dedicated to others and spends less time obsessing over themselves.
While I was there I hoped to experience something new that would change my life forever back home and improve my perspective on things. After about a day back home, however, things are pretty much back to normal. I'll probably start going to more community service events, I hear it takes a little while to get into it.
Not much else to report.
I love you guys.

poem/song

Bring this day down to the dark
as watching windows lose the spark
Patiently it takes hold
That slipping, dripping sense cannot contol

And drifting lightly through the street
a tune that soothes the swaying seats
and feel the magic as it turns
and screams like angels through the racing blur

and just forget
We'll just forget
in this moment's time we'll leave with nothing left
As darkness hold you high
Another passes by
So dim the dimming lights
Before we think they can survive

happy summer

I <3 summer. I love today's weather.

look at this

http://www.illuminatedmind.net/2008/09/11/the-secret-to-happiness-stop-caring/

Happiness exists already. Right now. enjoy it

yo

hey. ya. so uh, ..yeah. Barbara Streisand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xo1R17Gq6dg

hello followers

thanks for following. its really nice to see that people read and enjoy my blog, and even though I dont know any of you personally you've made this blog more worthwhile for me.

Im going to dillo day today, which is a free concert at northwestern, which should be fun. Im pretty excited for the rest of my life, too, and to an extent my gut tells me to stay home and do homework instead of going to dillo day... but really.. I'm not sure what would come of that. I enjoy doing what I want to do and taking opprotunities that are out of the ordinary. Its too ordinary and thomas-like to stay home on weekends to do homework

i

i feel bleh. i feeel sooo bleh right now. I just feel like letting someone know. I hate feeling like this

do you guys have people in your lives where when you think of them, you don't like them. But when you're with them, all of a sudden you cant help but be nice and enjoy them? Like all of a sudden you look past all the bad qualities that make you upset with the person.
sometimes i wish picking friends were like picking... a book to read. You could find one, pick it up, experience it for a little, then easily put it down if you get tired with it. Sometimes friendships make me become someone that I don't like. Sometimes people make you feel like shit and make you uncomfortable and sometimes people have annoying qualities that you once tolerated but now you cant stand and make it hard to be around that person. And its difficult to end the ones that you don't enjoy.

I was at a swim meet and college swimmers are so.hot.
they are so so hot. College boys are so hot.

sup

I remember in 8th grade or something i was reading a book and it was comprised only of vignettes. And it was with mexican characters. I liked it, there was this one chapter about how this girl wants to find a best friend that understands her, that laughs and understands all of her jokes.
Back in that stage of my life, eighth grade, I thought i was alone in most of my problems. I linked everything bad in my life with being gay... i.e. not having good friends, feeling disconnected, unhappy/inadequate.. etc. Sure those feelings have found me again in my high school days. I didn't realize that pretty much everyone felt the same way as me, that everyone has those feelings. When I read that passage i mentioned, I thought about myself, for a moment, then doubted that what she felt was the same as how what I was going through.
I don't really know what the point of what I'm writing about is. Well I guess that everyone feels the same way as everyone else. Whether we notice those feelings during our high points in life, they always come back to find us and bring us to our low points, when we look at ourselves and find little to be happy about. When we see society around us as connected and happy and ourselves as the single one out.
I deleted my facebook, (well disabled it) and I do this often when I feel like facebook is taking over my time. When I have no life I go on facebook often which in turn leads to wasted time looking a representation of what increasing seems like my boring and timid life.
If I could explain the ups and downs in my life, I would, and though there sometimes seem to be general trends in my mood I know that they are always unpredictable. When I'm happy I love myself, and when I'm sad I sit idly and wish I had a boyfriend.

we all live with the objective of being happy, our lives are all different and yet the same.
Anne frank said that. I just remember that quote

Woahh let me go home, home is wherever I'm with you

Another kind of good life story.
I have a hot gym teacher. He's a great guy. He has white hair and a beard/mustache around his mouth (idk what its called), he's in his 40s now but hes so hot. He has really attractive wide open blue eyes, a sharp nose and loud voice. He's a former MLB pitcher but apparently only played a few games. But hes a great guy. Hes one of those consistently and indiscriminately nice and friendly people and he's really outgoing but not to the point where he's socially weird or unaware.
Anyway, its not really a good story, but today he told us how his daughter was walking her dog and she saw a 16 year old male driver accidently run over and kill a five year old girl running into the street to get a ball. Then he started telling our class about how we have to think about our actions and what might come of them. We were sitting in the wrestling room and the whole class was quiet which rarely ever happens. I get advice a lot from my parents but I rarely really consider what they say. Coming from my hot gym teacher I thought about the simple message, and then how I'm so stupid when it comes to thinking about my actions and the consequences of what I do. Mainly regarding my homework and how I put it off all the time, and how I only cause stressful situations for myself for no reason at all. Theres no reason for some of the stuff I do or for some of the things that I feel, yet they happen anyway and I get upset over them.

somewhat serious about this

the key to getting homework done is to be really boring and do really boring things. Take everything colorful out of your life. Paint everything in your room brown. That way you dont get distracted. Don't listen to music or see friends. Even better, try not to have friends. They will only make you want to have fun, which will keep you from doing homework.

so

I have been maintaining a crush on gareth thomas. He is the type of guy I am into. Sharp face, benevolent eyes, tall, rugged, hunky, athletic, affectionate/warm-hearted person. And a damn sexy voice and accent.
Hes soooooooooo hot.
I want to write a letter to him saying how I admire him so much, how hes so inspiring and kind and how I think he was made for me. I read an article that said he's looking for a boyfriend, and that the thought of cuddling and being close and affectionate with someone makes him excited. Boy did I melt. He is so sexy.
<3<3<3

kjasfhd

Its always hard to know what to do with time. I have homework to do and people to see and music to play and listen to, but I generally end up spending my indecisive moments on the internet. Indecisive moments account for most of my time at home on weekdays. It involves me thinking about homework, telling myself to do it, and then avoiding it altogether because I possess zero self control.

The Vitamin String Quartet is a good band. They do string covers of popular songs, something I enjoy doing except their versions are a million times better.

In English class we keep a portfolio of our writing from throughout the year. Our assignment for the weekend is to write how our writing has changed or improved over the past few months. I fear I have no improvements to talk about.

I spend a lot of time sitting and thinking like I'm an old man. I consider myself a pretty contained and nervous person by default, except on special days when my mind can miraculously provide me with energy and witty things to say.
I don't understand my mind, and why it can't make me feel good everyday.

Its sad how few gay people there are. Its sad how few there are and how many of those few shut themselves up in the closet. Its sad how we are marginalized and are such a tiny group of students in a school of over 2000. Its sad how my basic human need/desire is denied because of the fact that my options are painfully limited. We're a pitiful group of less than 1 percent of the student body that has to act like it is not a big deal, when it is the most frustrating thing ever.
The fact that my school has probably less than ten out kids makes me feel like gay people don't exist, and that I'm part of a weird cultish group

But in reality people are really nice about me being gay. There just are like, barely any of us. I remember asking my older sister when i was in 8th grade if there were any gay people at high school, and she said she didn't know any. So I guess its good that that has changed. Everyone knows who dylan is at our school now, the boy who walks down the halls with bleached straightened hair, juicy pants and ugg boots.

so

its weird to think that one day I'm going to be living alone, single, without anyone.. unless i have a roommate of course. But its such a big change to think about.
I actually hate living with parents. I would like to be emancipated.. where do i fill out the forms.
I played bingo with old people today. It was at a veterans hospital. The lady i sat with was nice to me but is apparently bitter to everyone else. I hope never to be in a place like that, I'm fine being at home and away from the feeling of a hospital.
I wonder if I'll find a job that I'll actually like. My dad is a lawyer and never talks about his life in the city. He comes home and never seems enthusiastic about what he does. He tells me that its stressful, and I doubt there's much to enjoy about being a lawyer with all that paperwork. As of right now I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think it would be really cool to be some sort of a writer but as you guys can tell I'm not exceptionally skilled at it. But I love writing, and its why I have this secret blog that no one in my life knows about. Its why I keep a journal and can spend several hours formulating my thoughts to write a poem or song or journal entry. Writing is like talking except you can be as slow as you want and no one will know.
Anyway, I want a job that I can enjoy and find pleasure in. Like I'd love to be a writer, like I said, and maybe a rockstar. It would be nice to spend my life immersed in music and nothing else. I can see myself as a teacher.

skepticism

life is like a gps system. It corrects itself. If you take a wrong turn it figures out a new path to get you to your destination. It evens out and gets you where you should be and no matter what path you take its not worth worrying over because it will get you to where your meant to end up. I remember seeing a 'Lost' episode and it was like about how the world corrects itself.. if someone avoids death the day he/she was meant to die, the universe will correct itself and cause something the next day to make sure that person dies. things are just meant to happen..

ok i understand i have gotten overly philosophical in my past couple posts. But our family just got a gps system. I named her gps lady. she cost us 100 dollars and gets us where we need to be. And even if we think we're lost it usually ends up taking us to where we need to be. Essentially it knows what its doing when we dont.

I guess thats why some people believe in God. Someone knows the path of your life so theres no need to worry. Theres always a parent out there to help you. If your lost, dont worry because it will work out anyway..

except sometimes the gps is wrong and takes us to some sort of dead end

Dont comment on this post yet. I'm going to finish it later. Its for school actually. Comment on the post below this one. thanks!!

In a country like America there's no excuse for being insensitive. When you have communities of all sorts living side by side, when people of all colors fill your neighborhood, there's no excuse for pulling out offensive language as if its no big deal.

from new jersey

College admissions is against much of what I really believe in. Molding yourself to the way colleges want you to be in exchange for a label to wear the rest of your life.. A label that is no guarantee for anything.

Everyone is afraid of being inferior in some way. Smart people assert their superiority by flaunting their intelligence. They tell themselves they are great because they went to a great school. Lower class people assert their superiority by picking fights and acting tough. They join gangs and rob people.

No one wants to feel inferior. Many people want to feel like they are on top. Its all psychological. Yet we've established societies that value these arbitrary qualities that supposedly make us superior. I'm hard working but I value my own well being. I value my health and my friends.
People want to climb the imaginary pedestal and dance at the top. Or cooly look down at the people below them. It is most undesirable to be the ordinary below- in other words, inferior. It is inferior to pursue your own, to embrace yourself and your own ambitions. Change your ambitions and devote your life to something else, something untrue to yourself. That is how people seem to win their own respect.

someone

someone just tell me that everything will be just fine. someone tell me that. that everything will be fine

you know what i love?

hot guys at the library. Yum.
I figure if I can handle swim season and not starting homework until about 8 everyday, then school should be a breeze for me and I shouldn't worry about not having enough time.
Anyway, hot guys at the library. Not only are they smart, but they're hot. I caught myself blatantly staring at this one incredibly attractive guy yesterday and he looked at me briefly and awkwardly and we made eye contact so I looked away. Then when he was walking away with his back turned, I looked at him again and I'm pretty sure he could sense me looking at him again. He probably thinks I'm creepy, but then again he probably gets people staring at him a lot. Oh, the spell that beauty casts over us. I read somewhere about an experiment (i think it was on NBC, you can look it up) with two really attractive models (male and female) and two dull-er looking average people (male and female) and they compared how society treated them when doing everyday things (like asking to cut in line, asking for directions, etc.) But people were like 10 times nicer and more polite to the attractive people, even if they weren't the opposite gender. So how we look determines a lot about how we are treated by the people around us and i guess I'm pretty lucky because I could have turned out worse, haha. It would just be cool to try out someone else's shoes, you know? see how other people view the world from day to day. It must be very different.

I love caffine
thats all.
and if you havent watched this, do it now. Please, please do it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0&feature=related

k. hey so im back. im gonna start posting in here more cuz i have time.
What am i supposed to do with my life. thats the question. I feel so contemplative after my nap. you guys know what I mean.
I desperately want to not care what other people think so that people will think im cool. If that made any sense. Its just completely contradictory. If your looking for confidence so that people will respect you then you're really not confident because your confidence is just a tool to find acceptance and respect from others.
I'm so contemplative after my nap. Everything is a dream. Everythings is different.
I have a long list of things i have to do today and i havent touched on any of them. How great is that. I heard this from somewhere: too many things to do plus me not knowing where to start equals me not doing anything. My life.