so i got a tumblr, i just started, like an hour ago and i barely have any posts but hopefully il start getting into it
http://ya0ming.tumblr.com/
yaoming cuz im tall and half chinese
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
okay a real post
So we're reading The Things They Carried in English class and its a great great book. Its great because the language runs smoothly and its descriptive in all the right ways; everything it talks about is interesting. I can read it about a minute a page, which for me is good because I'm usually an impossibly slow reader.
All I really want to talk about now is swim season because it's so much fun. The guys are great and are all accepting of my sexuality. Even though it's not often explicitly mentioned around me I know they are okay with it. Maybe there's the initial shock of finding out, then it goes away.
Everything moves faster now, and there's always practice or meets to look forward to. Now that its break there's so much that I can/should do with my free time that I haven't gotten to. I feel like break hasn't hit me yet.
All I really want to talk about now is swim season because it's so much fun. The guys are great and are all accepting of my sexuality. Even though it's not often explicitly mentioned around me I know they are okay with it. Maybe there's the initial shock of finding out, then it goes away.
Everything moves faster now, and there's always practice or meets to look forward to. Now that its break there's so much that I can/should do with my free time that I haven't gotten to. I feel like break hasn't hit me yet.
dear blog friends
never write or talk for the sake of writing/talking. you give people a false sense of meaning in your words and people won't listen to you anymore
Saturday, December 11, 2010
L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce
3OH!3 !!!!!!!!!!! I used to think they sucked but the truth was i never actually listened to their music lol. I've always tried to be all altenative-y and listen to songs that I thought other people didn't listen to. I listened to mainstream songs sometimes before but now Im starting to listen to them a lot and I'm getting into rap too. I love lil wayne Never thought I'd say that.
It's about 3 weeks into the swim season and we've had 4 meets. I won the 50 free yesterday and it was a huge rush cuz everyone was cheering and I touched a guy out who was supposed to beat me by half a second.
I also got my first local newspaper interview yesterday.. after I won the 50. The guy called me by the wrong name and thought i won the 200 IM. it was awkward.
But swim season is really fun and it's a lot different now that I'm an upperclassman and I practice with guys that are younger than me. Theres this whole new sense of responsibility and pressure to know what you're doing. I'm getting more respect and recognition its nice. It's still just as fun as years before, if not more.
It's about 3 weeks into the swim season and we've had 4 meets. I won the 50 free yesterday and it was a huge rush cuz everyone was cheering and I touched a guy out who was supposed to beat me by half a second.
I also got my first local newspaper interview yesterday.. after I won the 50. The guy called me by the wrong name and thought i won the 200 IM. it was awkward.
But swim season is really fun and it's a lot different now that I'm an upperclassman and I practice with guys that are younger than me. Theres this whole new sense of responsibility and pressure to know what you're doing. I'm getting more respect and recognition its nice. It's still just as fun as years before, if not more.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving Break
I think I completely forgot about the point of Thanksgiving. I didn't think about what I was thankful for. I mean, I was thankful for the food that we had.. it was awesome, but other than that I didn't get around to making a list of the things I really appreciate in my life but forget about sometimes
I am thankful for my family and the love that surrounds me
I am thankful for the swim team and the support they have given me
I am thankful for my all my friends and their willingness to love me and stick with me
I am thankful for the kindness that I have felt from the people around me even though I often look past it
I am thankful for great food
I am thankful that I live in a great home, go to a great school, and live in an accepting time period
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for a laptop
I am thankful for my passion for the people I love and my passion for music
I am thankful for my amazing swim coach
I am thankful for a nice bed
I am thankful for thanksgiving break
I am thankful that I have so many possibilities for my life open to me
I am thankful for my family and the love that surrounds me
I am thankful for the swim team and the support they have given me
I am thankful for my all my friends and their willingness to love me and stick with me
I am thankful for the kindness that I have felt from the people around me even though I often look past it
I am thankful for great food
I am thankful that I live in a great home, go to a great school, and live in an accepting time period
I am thankful for my health
I am thankful for a laptop
I am thankful for my passion for the people I love and my passion for music
I am thankful for my amazing swim coach
I am thankful for a nice bed
I am thankful for thanksgiving break
I am thankful that I have so many possibilities for my life open to me
Friday, November 12, 2010
I wrote a story. I think its done. I might add more, idk. This is not really what I think about the internet. It vaguely references my life
Dan looked out the rain beaten window, watching streaks roll down viciously. Two cars were parked out in his driveway. One was his mom's and the other was a man who Dan didn't know. Why the man was here, he wasn't quite sure.
It was just a Friday afternoon, an afternoon that lets people like Dan sink mindlessly into his bed, gazing and immersing himself inside of his laptop, engrossed in youtube and facebook, frequently switching between two vast and exciting worlds. The rain refused to stop, and Dan had no choice but to sit and allow himself to pretend that the real world was actually the pixeled screen of his laptop, the glowing radiance that lit up his gray and gloomy room. A picture of his friend's boating trip. The temporary thrill of a click. A video from that hot youtuber. The exhilaration of a moment- not knowing what's next- the browser loading the page section by section, from the top, slowly making its way down, to the bottom- making a mind grow impatient and a heart restless- the thrill- when in reality, behind the little thumbnail on the homepage was nothing more than a lure to the claws of desperation. Click after click, tap after tap, as fake as it was, the internet was the world where he wanted to stay, and where he wanted to fill himself with the hopeful yet fearful anticipation of the loading bar, which was more entertaining and much less fearful than the cruelty of real situations around him. The man outside was not in the least a friend of Dan, or welcome guest of his household. The man outside was one of the real fears in Dan's life, and there was nothing that he could do make him go away. There, Dan reclined in his room on a Friday afternoon, gazing silently yet intently at a livelier world while everything around him dwindled with each new click. Click. The posters of his favorite bands- he meant to buy more but he wasn't sure where to buy them, he had gotten the posters all from his friends- everything that surrounded Dan- the messy desk and stacked AP and ACT books- the pictures of his camping trip in Wisconsin- the trophies- all faded beyond his gaze, and didn't seem to matter as Dan lost himself to the idleness of his Friday afternoon.
It was just a Friday afternoon, an afternoon that lets people like Dan sink mindlessly into his bed, gazing and immersing himself inside of his laptop, engrossed in youtube and facebook, frequently switching between two vast and exciting worlds. The rain refused to stop, and Dan had no choice but to sit and allow himself to pretend that the real world was actually the pixeled screen of his laptop, the glowing radiance that lit up his gray and gloomy room. A picture of his friend's boating trip. The temporary thrill of a click. A video from that hot youtuber. The exhilaration of a moment- not knowing what's next- the browser loading the page section by section, from the top, slowly making its way down, to the bottom- making a mind grow impatient and a heart restless- the thrill- when in reality, behind the little thumbnail on the homepage was nothing more than a lure to the claws of desperation. Click after click, tap after tap, as fake as it was, the internet was the world where he wanted to stay, and where he wanted to fill himself with the hopeful yet fearful anticipation of the loading bar, which was more entertaining and much less fearful than the cruelty of real situations around him. The man outside was not in the least a friend of Dan, or welcome guest of his household. The man outside was one of the real fears in Dan's life, and there was nothing that he could do make him go away. There, Dan reclined in his room on a Friday afternoon, gazing silently yet intently at a livelier world while everything around him dwindled with each new click. Click. The posters of his favorite bands- he meant to buy more but he wasn't sure where to buy them, he had gotten the posters all from his friends- everything that surrounded Dan- the messy desk and stacked AP and ACT books- the pictures of his camping trip in Wisconsin- the trophies- all faded beyond his gaze, and didn't seem to matter as Dan lost himself to the idleness of his Friday afternoon.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
library
im at the library!!
I didn't dress up yesterday at school, i was planning to then i decided not to. I've been a vampire for the past like, 2 years only because im kinda pale and it's an excuse to put my hair in a mohawk.
That's a funny word, mohawk
Webassigns are annoying but they're really easy points.
This last week was the last week of the quarter and I spent the whole week at home by myself "doing work" (which means about 40 percent doing work and 60 percent being distracted). Now its saturday and I feel like I should go somewhere to watch a movie.
There was a dance at hersey high school organized by their gay straight alliance, and kids from schools all over the area went. I went last year. That's where I got myself into the whole network of gay people. Once you have enough gay friends on facebook you can tell who else is gay if they have enough of the same mutual gay friends. Anyway I didn't go this year because I had no permission form but I kinda wish I had gone.
I didn't dress up yesterday at school, i was planning to then i decided not to. I've been a vampire for the past like, 2 years only because im kinda pale and it's an excuse to put my hair in a mohawk.
That's a funny word, mohawk
Webassigns are annoying but they're really easy points.
This last week was the last week of the quarter and I spent the whole week at home by myself "doing work" (which means about 40 percent doing work and 60 percent being distracted). Now its saturday and I feel like I should go somewhere to watch a movie.
There was a dance at hersey high school organized by their gay straight alliance, and kids from schools all over the area went. I went last year. That's where I got myself into the whole network of gay people. Once you have enough gay friends on facebook you can tell who else is gay if they have enough of the same mutual gay friends. Anyway I didn't go this year because I had no permission form but I kinda wish I had gone.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
sorry for lack of posts
and sorry all of them have started to suck. Things are pretty good. My town has this new amazing library that is just like.. holy crap. There's not really another way to describe it. The one we had before was shitty though, so this new one pretty much compensates for that. I went there today and yesterday and I want to go more often. Going to the library is lame I know, but so am I, and this new one just makes me so excited like jizz my pants excited. And I'm pretty productive when I'm there, mainly cuz I can't go on facebook.
My love life is dwindling, not that it really existed anyway. A graduate from my high school who was on the swim team last year came out to me as bi, and is starting to come out to more people. He told me that if I hadn't come out that he probably wouldn't have either. It's like I broke the ice for him. He's a nice/weird yet in his own way likable guy. I don't look to be anything more than friends with him.
With my limited options and other issues in my life, I don't plan to have/ rely on the idea of having a boyfriend. I have PSATs tomorrow, lame
My love life is dwindling, not that it really existed anyway. A graduate from my high school who was on the swim team last year came out to me as bi, and is starting to come out to more people. He told me that if I hadn't come out that he probably wouldn't have either. It's like I broke the ice for him. He's a nice/weird yet in his own way likable guy. I don't look to be anything more than friends with him.
With my limited options and other issues in my life, I don't plan to have/ rely on the idea of having a boyfriend. I have PSATs tomorrow, lame
Sunday, September 26, 2010
everything
life is up and down and sometimes you have a good grip on it and sometimes you don't.
I have a lot of homework to do right now, its 9:20 PM on a sunday night, and I'm not sure what to do.
Does anyone have college advice? I'm not sure where I want to go. Will Yale take a 4.3 average GPA? How much does it help if my dad went there/being good at a sport?
Would it be worth going to a school like Yale? I don't even know what I want to be when I'm older
I'm thinking I would rather go to michigan. But I honestly don't know.
Does anyone have any advice regarding colleges or the process of going to/choosing colleges? I'm a junior in high school right now fyi.
Issues like those mentioned above are the ones that try to consume much of my life.
I have a lot of homework to do right now, its 9:20 PM on a sunday night, and I'm not sure what to do.
Does anyone have college advice? I'm not sure where I want to go. Will Yale take a 4.3 average GPA? How much does it help if my dad went there/being good at a sport?
Would it be worth going to a school like Yale? I don't even know what I want to be when I'm older
I'm thinking I would rather go to michigan. But I honestly don't know.
Does anyone have any advice regarding colleges or the process of going to/choosing colleges? I'm a junior in high school right now fyi.
Issues like those mentioned above are the ones that try to consume much of my life.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
kjsadfajskdn1
I don't even know why I have a blog. I wonder if writing down my life actually benefits me, or if it would be better if I just moved on with my life and think about the future rather than reflecting on the past.
I still think nick ayler is the hottest guy ever.
I took the ACT today. I have ADD medication that was prescribed to be in seventh grade. I never take the meds unless I have a test that day or need to concentrate for something. This morning I took two pills which was not a good idea. My heart was beating fast and I got all jittery. It was kinda weird. I've calmed down now though. It's 3 in the afternoon and I took them at 8. They're supposed to last 12 hours. At least they help me concentrate.
I hope everyone's doing well. I was kinda unhappy the past week, then last night I cheered up. School itself is pretty depressing because my classes are so hard.
I've realized that there are certain people who make me happy and people who make me unhappy when I'm around them. There are some people who I think are my friends but usually just make me feel pretty shitty when I'm with. It's time for me to avoid those people.
I still think nick ayler is the hottest guy ever.
I took the ACT today. I have ADD medication that was prescribed to be in seventh grade. I never take the meds unless I have a test that day or need to concentrate for something. This morning I took two pills which was not a good idea. My heart was beating fast and I got all jittery. It was kinda weird. I've calmed down now though. It's 3 in the afternoon and I took them at 8. They're supposed to last 12 hours. At least they help me concentrate.
I hope everyone's doing well. I was kinda unhappy the past week, then last night I cheered up. School itself is pretty depressing because my classes are so hard.
I've realized that there are certain people who make me happy and people who make me unhappy when I'm around them. There are some people who I think are my friends but usually just make me feel pretty shitty when I'm with. It's time for me to avoid those people.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
hey bros
So this whole new 'bro' thing is developing where everyone calls each other 'bro' or variations on bro like 'broseph' or 'brochacho' or 'bromosexual' (lol). Basically a manly term of endearment. My friend peter made a group on facebook where basically everyone contributes to a long list of 'bro' words (it got pretty popular, it has like 200 members). I used to never call anyone bro but now I've been starting to. It's a good substitute if you don't know someone's name and you come off as friendly.
It's pretty cloudy outside and it was raining hard during school today. I don't really mind what the weather is long as it's not really cold outside.
So I'm finding out about more people that know that I'm gay. The guy I told not too long ago told a guy who's on the swim team and was on my relay team at state last year. Then apparently some of the college guys found out and were just like 'I'm glad I graduated before that happened'. Whatever. No one really treats me differently though. Guys are probably more uncomfortable around me but for the most part they act the same. Sometimes they're nicer. Some (few) intentionally flirt with me. I don't get it. I wish I knew the mentality of a straight guy.
I'm gonna go time the girl's swim meet soon. We're going out to eat first and my friends picking me up soon. I'm so glad I'm part of the swim team. It's nice being part of something bigger.
My days have been really mixed. I'll have a shitty day one day and feel like crap then feel great the next day. I just wana learn to feel good all the time ...I can really use a boyfriend
Look up Sia- Soon We'll be Found on youtube. I love that song and video. Then there's this cool animated video that my friend showed me about a kid and a spider.. it's really good. It's called 'Story From North America' it's on youtube. It's a song I want to fall asleep to.
White Winter Hymnals by Fleet Foxes is good. So is: Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show, Reckoner by Radiohead (<-- everyone must hear this song. If you haven't look it up), Sleepyhead by Passion Pit, My Love by Sia.. and thats it.
It's pretty cloudy outside and it was raining hard during school today. I don't really mind what the weather is long as it's not really cold outside.
So I'm finding out about more people that know that I'm gay. The guy I told not too long ago told a guy who's on the swim team and was on my relay team at state last year. Then apparently some of the college guys found out and were just like 'I'm glad I graduated before that happened'. Whatever. No one really treats me differently though. Guys are probably more uncomfortable around me but for the most part they act the same. Sometimes they're nicer. Some (few) intentionally flirt with me. I don't get it. I wish I knew the mentality of a straight guy.
I'm gonna go time the girl's swim meet soon. We're going out to eat first and my friends picking me up soon. I'm so glad I'm part of the swim team. It's nice being part of something bigger.
My days have been really mixed. I'll have a shitty day one day and feel like crap then feel great the next day. I just wana learn to feel good all the time ...I can really use a boyfriend
Look up Sia- Soon We'll be Found on youtube. I love that song and video. Then there's this cool animated video that my friend showed me about a kid and a spider.. it's really good. It's called 'Story From North America' it's on youtube. It's a song I want to fall asleep to.
White Winter Hymnals by Fleet Foxes is good. So is: Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show, Reckoner by Radiohead (<-- everyone must hear this song. If you haven't look it up), Sleepyhead by Passion Pit, My Love by Sia.. and thats it.
Friday, August 27, 2010
hey homos
I'm at a hotel in michigan. I like the whiteness of hotel rooms and the feeling of isolation. I'm here for a family reunion.
Junior year is the shit and I'm not one of the young kids at school. It's like the feeling of being in 8th grade in middle school in a way. There's a lotttt more homework but I've been better about doing it. I don't know why I take all honors and APs or care so damn much. I don't know where I want to go to college. I should know what I want to do with my life before stressing myself out so much by taking hard classes.
I learned so much about my family on the car ride here. It was a family road trip, about five hours, my dad mom sister and me. I'm always learning more stuff about my relatives. It's like a whole social circle with all the drama and stuff. People in my family have problems I didn't know about. So much has been going on in my family that I didn't know about. More information gradually comes to me from my parents as I get older.
I'm pretty excited to see everyone I guess.
I love Dave Matthews. Lying in the hands of God is a good song.
Junior year is the shit and I'm not one of the young kids at school. It's like the feeling of being in 8th grade in middle school in a way. There's a lotttt more homework but I've been better about doing it. I don't know why I take all honors and APs or care so damn much. I don't know where I want to go to college. I should know what I want to do with my life before stressing myself out so much by taking hard classes.
I learned so much about my family on the car ride here. It was a family road trip, about five hours, my dad mom sister and me. I'm always learning more stuff about my relatives. It's like a whole social circle with all the drama and stuff. People in my family have problems I didn't know about. So much has been going on in my family that I didn't know about. More information gradually comes to me from my parents as I get older.
I'm pretty excited to see everyone I guess.
I love Dave Matthews. Lying in the hands of God is a good song.
Monday, August 23, 2010
HEEyyy
So I get really excited when I come out to someone (usually straight guys) and they are really cool with it and still wana be friends with me
So there's this guy who wanted to pretend to be in 'an open relationship' with me on facebook (which I thought was kinda weird, but whatever) and I figured I should tell him that I am gay but I kept putting it off. So I just kept ignoring the request then a week after he requested me we had just hung out and it was pretty late at night, and I texted him just saying (bluntly) "yo im gay". Then he was like "I know, what's up". He thought I was joking. Then I was like dude I'm serious but he didn't believe me. So we text for a while and I'm trying to convince him that I'm serious but he says he still doesn't believe me. Anyway after a while I was like would you care if I was? And he was like it would be pretty weird I guess but past that it doesn't really matter. Then he was like I gotta go to sleep so we said goodnight. Then about an hour later I get a text from him saying something like 'I love you man and even if you are gay it wouldn't change anything because you're a good friend'. Which was one of the nicest texts I've ever gotten. So I thought I'd share that.
We hung out again this morning and he says he still doesn't believe me. We added each other as brothers on facebook.
This week has been supah chill even though school starts in two days... ugh. I really have to change my routine of going to bed at 3 AM. I also have to start writing a paper. Bleh.
So I figure next year I'll be out. So I'm not really 'closeted' high school swimmer anymore. But whatever I'm still mostly in the closet I'll just keep that name.
The guy who I hooked up with that I mentioned in earlier posts is an annoying prick. Have I mentioned that yet? I really don't like him and I don't plan on seeing him again. There are some weird gays out there.
My hair has grown out and I feel like for the first time it has finally reached a decent length since I shaved it for swimming. I'm pretty happy.
So there's this guy who wanted to pretend to be in 'an open relationship' with me on facebook (which I thought was kinda weird, but whatever) and I figured I should tell him that I am gay but I kept putting it off. So I just kept ignoring the request then a week after he requested me we had just hung out and it was pretty late at night, and I texted him just saying (bluntly) "yo im gay". Then he was like "I know, what's up". He thought I was joking. Then I was like dude I'm serious but he didn't believe me. So we text for a while and I'm trying to convince him that I'm serious but he says he still doesn't believe me. Anyway after a while I was like would you care if I was? And he was like it would be pretty weird I guess but past that it doesn't really matter. Then he was like I gotta go to sleep so we said goodnight. Then about an hour later I get a text from him saying something like 'I love you man and even if you are gay it wouldn't change anything because you're a good friend'. Which was one of the nicest texts I've ever gotten. So I thought I'd share that.
We hung out again this morning and he says he still doesn't believe me. We added each other as brothers on facebook.
This week has been supah chill even though school starts in two days... ugh. I really have to change my routine of going to bed at 3 AM. I also have to start writing a paper. Bleh.
So I figure next year I'll be out. So I'm not really 'closeted' high school swimmer anymore. But whatever I'm still mostly in the closet I'll just keep that name.
The guy who I hooked up with that I mentioned in earlier posts is an annoying prick. Have I mentioned that yet? I really don't like him and I don't plan on seeing him again. There are some weird gays out there.
My hair has grown out and I feel like for the first time it has finally reached a decent length since I shaved it for swimming. I'm pretty happy.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Quick thing to say
If any of you are ever bored, go to youtube and watch communitychannel. Her name is Nat and she's really funny.
Ugh schools starting soon. That's just lame.
I mainly just wanted to say to watch communitychannel.
And comment on my post about hot guys! I really want to hear thoughts on that.
Ugh schools starting soon. That's just lame.
I mainly just wanted to say to watch communitychannel.
And comment on my post about hot guys! I really want to hear thoughts on that.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
being happy
Its so simple in concept isn't it? I mean right now there are a million things to be unhappy about and a million things to be happy about.. it's just arbitrary which side we choose to dwell on. Sometimes it feels like positive thoughts are hard to find when bad things seem to be all around us. But honestly there's absolutely no point in dwelling over the negative. If something makes you unhappy, don't think about it or try to think about it in a different light. Like I said it's so simple in concept. I feel like I'm trying to give myself advice right now. I find when I'm unhappy I can never think clearly and I'm hard to get along with. But moods are just so hard to turn around sometimes.
There are always little things to be happy about though, and I find that when I dwell on those things and give a little smile to myself I tend to become a little happier. However, if I dwell on negative things and complain and think how much life sucks it puts me in a bad mood. So to avoid this, when I get the urge to complain, I don't and try to find something good to think about. And once I'm in a good mood I tend to stay in a good mood.
Another way is to take happy pills.
There are always little things to be happy about though, and I find that when I dwell on those things and give a little smile to myself I tend to become a little happier. However, if I dwell on negative things and complain and think how much life sucks it puts me in a bad mood. So to avoid this, when I get the urge to complain, I don't and try to find something good to think about. And once I'm in a good mood I tend to stay in a good mood.
Another way is to take happy pills.
Friday, August 13, 2010
this is what my facebook profile now says
----------------------
Basic Info
Sex: Male
Birthday: June 14
...
Current City: Chicago, Illinois
...
Bio I am at ease in tthe depths of my mind.
Favorite Quotations no sappy thoughts in my head, I'm feeling like I'm peter pan
we do our time like pennies in a jar
what are we saving for?
--------------------------
Anyway those are seriously my favorite quotations from songs. They are from Up Up and Away by Kid Cudi and Believe by The Bravery, two AWESOME songs that I really like and will never stop liking.
I like what I wrote for my bio cuz I came up with it and I feel like it describes me perfectly. I like thinking. I feel like theres a whole world in my head.
I had a really deep conversation with my friend erin today, who is one of the sweetest girls I know. I feel like everyone goes through an insecure phase in their life. But I was really glad we had that conversation. She's leaving for college soon.
Anyway if I could give the whole world advice right now it would be to be excited to show the world who you are. Not just be who you are, but be excited to show it off to the world
----------------------
Basic Info
Sex: Male
Birthday: June 14
...
Current City: Chicago, Illinois
...
Bio I am at ease in tthe depths of my mind.
Favorite Quotations no sappy thoughts in my head, I'm feeling like I'm peter pan
we do our time like pennies in a jar
what are we saving for?
--------------------------
Anyway those are seriously my favorite quotations from songs. They are from Up Up and Away by Kid Cudi and Believe by The Bravery, two AWESOME songs that I really like and will never stop liking.
I like what I wrote for my bio cuz I came up with it and I feel like it describes me perfectly. I like thinking. I feel like theres a whole world in my head.
I had a really deep conversation with my friend erin today, who is one of the sweetest girls I know. I feel like everyone goes through an insecure phase in their life. But I was really glad we had that conversation. She's leaving for college soon.
Anyway if I could give the whole world advice right now it would be to be excited to show the world who you are. Not just be who you are, but be excited to show it off to the world
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Hot guys
The picture I put up for this blog is not me. Sorry if you thought it was me but I didn't want to put a picture of myself on here. It's a picture of Tanner Cohen from the movie Were the World Mine, a great movie. Tanner is a douchebag/idiot if you look at some of the videos he put in youtube, but he's pretty hot. Every gay person should see Were the World Mine.
Anyway, since it's something we can all most likely relate to, I will write about hot guys today. I'll give you the general timeline of guys who I thought (and still think) are hot.
My first crush that I can remember is Orlando Bloom in the Lord of the Rings from when I was in like second grade or something. Orlando looks gorgeous blonde with blue eyes. I remember I just liked looking at him on the screen, even though I didn't really obsess over him.
I was a big Harry Potter fan when the movies came out (who wasn't?) and I had this phase where I liked Dan Radcliffe and wanted to be like him. He said he liked The Killers in one of his interviews so I started listening to them because of him. They are now pretty much my favorite band.
Channing Tatum!!! Is sooo so hot!! After I saw Step up.
Zac Efron after High School Musical. He's pretty adorable.
Edward Norton after The Incredible Hulk. He's soooooooo cute. He's one of the very few perfect 10s on my scale.
Russell Crowe after The Sum of Us.
James Franco after Pineapple Express.
Jake Gyllenhaal after Donnie Darko.
Heath Ledger after Brokeback Mountain (RIP you sexy man). I actually wrote a song for him that's how much I liked him.
Hugh Grant from Maurice.
The SUPER hot guy from the new Star Trek.
And Billie Joe Armstrong ..from Green Day.
Then obviously I've had crushes on guys who aren't famous.
But anyway the two hottest guys in the world are Ryan Lochte and Channing Tatum. eh? What are your thoughts?
Also Braden Charron is really hot. If you are young don't look him up.
Anyway, since it's something we can all most likely relate to, I will write about hot guys today. I'll give you the general timeline of guys who I thought (and still think) are hot.
My first crush that I can remember is Orlando Bloom in the Lord of the Rings from when I was in like second grade or something. Orlando looks gorgeous blonde with blue eyes. I remember I just liked looking at him on the screen, even though I didn't really obsess over him.
I was a big Harry Potter fan when the movies came out (who wasn't?) and I had this phase where I liked Dan Radcliffe and wanted to be like him. He said he liked The Killers in one of his interviews so I started listening to them because of him. They are now pretty much my favorite band.
Channing Tatum!!! Is sooo so hot!! After I saw Step up.
Zac Efron after High School Musical. He's pretty adorable.
Edward Norton after The Incredible Hulk. He's soooooooo cute. He's one of the very few perfect 10s on my scale.
Russell Crowe after The Sum of Us.
James Franco after Pineapple Express.
Jake Gyllenhaal after Donnie Darko.
Heath Ledger after Brokeback Mountain (RIP you sexy man). I actually wrote a song for him that's how much I liked him.
Hugh Grant from Maurice.
The SUPER hot guy from the new Star Trek.
And Billie Joe Armstrong ..from Green Day.
Then obviously I've had crushes on guys who aren't famous.
But anyway the two hottest guys in the world are Ryan Lochte and Channing Tatum. eh? What are your thoughts?
Also Braden Charron is really hot. If you are young don't look him up.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
oergndlksjklwngk
I've gotten into the habit of working out everyday in the morning, then doing some ACT practice stuff so that my mom would leave me alone. After those things I get to do what I want. Life still seems pretty different without swim practices.
I want to continue living my life like this forever. I really have nothing to worry about. I have like zero stress. My mind is really calm and I have actually started reading for fun. It reminds me of when I used to read Harry Potter in like, second grade.
I dunno, that's about it. I've realized how quickly groups of friends can change if you make an effort to hang out with different people.
I want to continue living my life like this forever. I really have nothing to worry about. I have like zero stress. My mind is really calm and I have actually started reading for fun. It reminds me of when I used to read Harry Potter in like, second grade.
I dunno, that's about it. I've realized how quickly groups of friends can change if you make an effort to hang out with different people.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
update
I guess a lot has happened. I've really started to relax this past week. Swimming is over (for now, I start again in a few weeks) and I had my last swim meet last weekend. Thus I have had more energy and time to work out regularly.
Swimming, even though it helps me feel good and stay in shape, drains a LOT of energy out of me. After a week of not having swim practices or meets, I've realized that I have sooo much more energy to do stuff. I have more motivation to go out and socialize with people. And even though I'm still working out everyday, I don't feel as drained after working out as I do after I swim.
So basically I've been feeling really good and energized lately.
I came out to a few girls who I was sorta friends with before and now all of a sudden they want to hang out with me more haha. I went to downtown evanston (no, I don't live in evanston) and got clothes (really gay, I know right) (but they were cool clothes and really cheap) and went to flattop afterwards. It was fun. Girls are ten times nicer to you when they know you're gay.
I was on facebook a few nights ago and my friend (who I'm already out to) told me that his friend Blake knows that I'm gay. I barely know Blake. So apparently Blake found out I was gay from my friend Ryan who is on the high school swim team with me. And I was like how the hell did Ryan find out?? I didn't think anyone on the swim team knew. So now I figure everyone is finding out and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't think people have really had a problem with it so far. No one has been avoiding me. If anything people have become nicer to me and I feel closer to the people that know. I guess by next year I will officially be "out". The process of coming out was easier than I thought... all I had to do was tell a few people who can't keep a secret and eventually everyone will know.
I used to be really self conscious of the fact that I was gay. I was afraid that people at school would judge me and would resent me because of it. So far all my friends, however, have been supportive and coming out has been completely worth it. If people resent me because I'm gay then I can honestly say that I couldn't care less.
There have been points in my life where I feel so desperate to be normal that I tell myself that I can't be gay and that to be happy I have to like women. And this lasts about a day or two and I realize that being straight, for me, is pretty impossible. Trying to be someone else only makes me depressed. And the negative social consequences or whatever that come with being gay... well... I've realized they're not so bad if I get to be who I am.
Swimming, even though it helps me feel good and stay in shape, drains a LOT of energy out of me. After a week of not having swim practices or meets, I've realized that I have sooo much more energy to do stuff. I have more motivation to go out and socialize with people. And even though I'm still working out everyday, I don't feel as drained after working out as I do after I swim.
So basically I've been feeling really good and energized lately.
I came out to a few girls who I was sorta friends with before and now all of a sudden they want to hang out with me more haha. I went to downtown evanston (no, I don't live in evanston) and got clothes (really gay, I know right) (but they were cool clothes and really cheap) and went to flattop afterwards. It was fun. Girls are ten times nicer to you when they know you're gay.
I was on facebook a few nights ago and my friend (who I'm already out to) told me that his friend Blake knows that I'm gay. I barely know Blake. So apparently Blake found out I was gay from my friend Ryan who is on the high school swim team with me. And I was like how the hell did Ryan find out?? I didn't think anyone on the swim team knew. So now I figure everyone is finding out and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't think people have really had a problem with it so far. No one has been avoiding me. If anything people have become nicer to me and I feel closer to the people that know. I guess by next year I will officially be "out". The process of coming out was easier than I thought... all I had to do was tell a few people who can't keep a secret and eventually everyone will know.
I used to be really self conscious of the fact that I was gay. I was afraid that people at school would judge me and would resent me because of it. So far all my friends, however, have been supportive and coming out has been completely worth it. If people resent me because I'm gay then I can honestly say that I couldn't care less.
There have been points in my life where I feel so desperate to be normal that I tell myself that I can't be gay and that to be happy I have to like women. And this lasts about a day or two and I realize that being straight, for me, is pretty impossible. Trying to be someone else only makes me depressed. And the negative social consequences or whatever that come with being gay... well... I've realized they're not so bad if I get to be who I am.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
i love straight guys
I love gay guys too but I wish straight men could be gay as in sexually attracted to me. really really badly. Like so so so much.
Friday, July 23, 2010
hello wonderful people
Two nights ago I saw the guy who I hooked up with that one time I mentioned earlier. It was cool. We talked on facebook about a month ago and he said he wanted to end things.. cuz we 'wanted different things' and he also moved onto someone else. Then somehow we ended up hanging out again. So he picked me up and we went to a park and lied down for a while then went back to his car and etc. and the windows got foggy etc. you get it. I'm not really crazy about him. Even though he's cute. I used to be more into him but now it's like whatever. I'm fine just seeing him every few weeks/months.
Ummmmm I went to oberweis about an hour ago and had an AMAZING chocolate milkshake. It was soooooooo so so so good. I feel like I have been missing out my whole life. My friend works there so he got it for me for free. I recommend it to everyone even though it might be a little pricey.
Ummmmm I went to oberweis about an hour ago and had an AMAZING chocolate milkshake. It was soooooooo so so so good. I feel like I have been missing out my whole life. My friend works there so he got it for me for free. I recommend it to everyone even though it might be a little pricey.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
hey all
I've decided that I should keep a forward momentum with my life. Get stuff done. Improvise. Things would be more fun
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Go see Inception!!!!
Go see it!!!!! two and a half hours of pure intensity. It was so good and everyone has to see it! That movie has totally changed me (for the past few hours at least). The girl from Juno is in it! hahahahaha but seriously go see it!
Monday, July 12, 2010
mediocre monday
I'm coming out to people all over the place. I told my friend Joe today and he was soo good about it. He's a really 'hey bro so how are the ladies?' sort of guy but he's a sweetheart at the same time. So we had a long conversation about it. I feel a lot closer to him. He told me that I seemed like I was holding something back. Right now me and him are writing songs together for our two person band and we have a show at a bar this thursday and we get to play for an hour. Joe is reaallllyyy good at the guitar. And I'm okay at singing. So it's not that lame. Today we didn't get much done because we spent a lot of time talking. He was sooo chill about it. It makes me really happy.
I bought a book and I have to start reading it more. It's like 700 pages. It's called The Passage and I really like the way it is written. I have to read more I like never read.
I bought a book and I have to start reading it more. It's like 700 pages. It's called The Passage and I really like the way it is written. I have to read more I like never read.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
notre dame
I'm at Notre Dame in Indiana for a swim meet right now and we're staying at a Marriot hotel. I'm staying here with my parents and I like hotels a lot better when I'm not with my parents... It's not the best when I'm staying at hotels with my parents. I can't get time away from them and my dad snores. I get bored easily with them too. I'm gonna be a cool parent when I get older. I cannot end up like them. CANNOT. We're going to Olive Garden pretty soon and I hear it's pretty good. I've never been there before.
Anyway I swam pretty good today at the meet. I went 58.1 in the 100 meter free which converts to a 50.4 or something in yards. It's not by best time but I'm not in the best shape so i don't care. Then I did really crappy in the 200 IM and 200 back. There are a LOT of hot guys at this meet. There are some meets that I go to where the guys are SOOO hot and I practically jizz everywhere. Yeah. Especially when college swimmers are at the meets. They are so damn sexy. They have awesome bodies plus they are good at swimming, which makes them even more attractive.
I really want an ear piercing. I am determined to get one before I go to college. I had a long debate with my parents to let me get one. It turned into a talk about me being gay (my mom thinks boys who wear earrings = gay). I told my parents that almost all my friends know that I'm gay and don't care. And my mom freaked out because she never wanted me to tell people at school. She thinks that soon the whole school will know. I don't know what her problem is. My mom has suddenly become really unaccepting. She told me that she still wants me to be straight and to get myself a girlfriend. Apparently to her because I think that I am gay, I am that way. She used to be more accepting and chill about it. Then all of a sudden she decided that it's possible to turn me straight. It's weird.
I've been kind of a jerk lately. I've realized jerks get more attention.
Anyway I swam pretty good today at the meet. I went 58.1 in the 100 meter free which converts to a 50.4 or something in yards. It's not by best time but I'm not in the best shape so i don't care. Then I did really crappy in the 200 IM and 200 back. There are a LOT of hot guys at this meet. There are some meets that I go to where the guys are SOOO hot and I practically jizz everywhere. Yeah. Especially when college swimmers are at the meets. They are so damn sexy. They have awesome bodies plus they are good at swimming, which makes them even more attractive.
I really want an ear piercing. I am determined to get one before I go to college. I had a long debate with my parents to let me get one. It turned into a talk about me being gay (my mom thinks boys who wear earrings = gay). I told my parents that almost all my friends know that I'm gay and don't care. And my mom freaked out because she never wanted me to tell people at school. She thinks that soon the whole school will know. I don't know what her problem is. My mom has suddenly become really unaccepting. She told me that she still wants me to be straight and to get myself a girlfriend. Apparently to her because I think that I am gay, I am that way. She used to be more accepting and chill about it. Then all of a sudden she decided that it's possible to turn me straight. It's weird.
I've been kind of a jerk lately. I've realized jerks get more attention.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
things i love
I absolutely love naps. I love good naps. They make me feel really relaxed and refreshed especially if I'm tired or didn't get enough sleep the night before. They're just a really important part of my life. They're just really important.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
asdfjjlkejr
I've watched so much porn lately its come to the point where I am very sick of porn. I look at it at least once a day. Like just now I was looking at porn then I was like screw this I'd rather do something else. So yeah here I am.
Anyway, my life has been swimming/naps/porn/working out/seeing friends. I switched up to a more intense swimming group now that I'm done with summer school and have more time on my hands. The morning practices are outside and we have them every morning so soon I'm gonna get really tan and have speedo/google tan lines. The morning practices are really tiring too so I usually take two to three hour naps after them.
The bi guy that I was talking about earlier who wanted to hook up hasn't been talking to me lately, and he's leaving for Mexico today. So I think he might have changed him mind about hooking up. Maybe not though. He can do what he wants
Like I said summer school is over. Everyone is being really emotional and talking about how much they miss each other over facebook. Everyone's being a lot friendlier now that the class is already over haha. I sorta miss the class. It was a lot of fun at times. I didn't become friends with a lot of the people until the class was almost over. So I sorta regret that.
I saw toy story 3 yesterday with my mom. Haha we watched it on the computer together. It was reallyyy good. I kinda felt like crying at certain parts. It was pretty emotional.
Not much else. Happy fourth of july!!!
Anyway, my life has been swimming/naps/porn/working out/seeing friends. I switched up to a more intense swimming group now that I'm done with summer school and have more time on my hands. The morning practices are outside and we have them every morning so soon I'm gonna get really tan and have speedo/google tan lines. The morning practices are really tiring too so I usually take two to three hour naps after them.
The bi guy that I was talking about earlier who wanted to hook up hasn't been talking to me lately, and he's leaving for Mexico today. So I think he might have changed him mind about hooking up. Maybe not though. He can do what he wants
Like I said summer school is over. Everyone is being really emotional and talking about how much they miss each other over facebook. Everyone's being a lot friendlier now that the class is already over haha. I sorta miss the class. It was a lot of fun at times. I didn't become friends with a lot of the people until the class was almost over. So I sorta regret that.
I saw toy story 3 yesterday with my mom. Haha we watched it on the computer together. It was reallyyy good. I kinda felt like crying at certain parts. It was pretty emotional.
Not much else. Happy fourth of july!!!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
hey
Sorry if I bore you all. I know there are only four followers.. lol but my life has not been eventful lately. I wish I could write in here more often but nothing's really been going on. I feel kinda crappy lately maybe because I haven't been with my friends for a few days. I've basically been confined to my room because I've been trying to work out as much as I can.
I wish I could be gorgeous and live an easy life. Like realllyyy good looking like some guys I see walking down the street.
I wish I could be gorgeous and live an easy life. Like realllyyy good looking like some guys I see walking down the street.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
hello all
I've finally taken more steps to coming out. I have a few friends that know already, and it's gradually spreading. It's spreading very slowly though. I told my Polish Catholic friend a few days ago and he took it really really well. He didn't believe me at first when I told him and thought it was a joke but then I told him to call my friend who knew and ask him about it. So he did and he believed me. Then he was just fine with it and asked a lot of questions. I'm glad that he knows because I was afraid he was gonna flip out. I mean, he's Catholic and I've heard him say mean things about gay people and that he doesn't like them. I used to think he was one of the biggest homophobes that I knew. I guess if he's okay with it I shouldn't worry too much about other people.
I've also changed my 'interested in' on facebook to 'men'. Maybe people will think it's a joke. But it makes me feel bold to know that I'm technically out of the closet on facebook.
I think a lot about the effects that coming out will have on my life. I always change my opinion on the subject, and some days I'm more confident about it than others. I wish I was always confident. It's very inconsistent for me. Some days I'll feel fearless and bold but those days are always followed by days where I feel self conscious and shy. I hope I won't regret any of the decisions that I make regarding coming out. But so far everyone I've told has been 100 percent okay with it and has been really chill about it. Even the straight guys.
I know that I think way too much about coming out. This blog entry somewhat proves it.
I've also changed my 'interested in' on facebook to 'men'. Maybe people will think it's a joke. But it makes me feel bold to know that I'm technically out of the closet on facebook.
I think a lot about the effects that coming out will have on my life. I always change my opinion on the subject, and some days I'm more confident about it than others. I wish I was always confident. It's very inconsistent for me. Some days I'll feel fearless and bold but those days are always followed by days where I feel self conscious and shy. I hope I won't regret any of the decisions that I make regarding coming out. But so far everyone I've told has been 100 percent okay with it and has been really chill about it. Even the straight guys.
I know that I think way too much about coming out. This blog entry somewhat proves it.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
songs and life
the story by brandi carlile. I heard the song MANY years ago (it seems like) and i always knew the tune.. and sometimes it would pop into my head and i wouldn't know the name of it. So frustrating. Then a few weeks ago I went to the boy's acapella concert at my school and they had this one number with some girls and there was this soloist who was my friends sister.. who was amazing.. and she sang that song and I was like omg what's the name of that. So I finally know it and I've been listening to it the whole day. I really like the voice ranges in the song. Also I saw the Noisette's cover of when you were young by the killers and it was really good. So those are my two favorite songs right now. I also really like kid cudi.
So summers sinking in, and I've spent a lot of time doing nothing when I could be doing something. (my friends coming over in a few minutes so writing this is basically to pass the time). I'm in summer school now and its every weekday morning from eight to twelve thirty and I go straight to summer school from swimming which starts at six. So I have to get up really early :(
Anyway its already been a week of summer school and I'm getting used to the people in it. I was pretty nervous at the beginning to meet peopel but everyone turned out nice and normal and I've gotten used to them. I guess that's usually how these sort of social situations go for me.
Oh, story. So a nice cute guy that I know who was in my english class last year started talking to me on facebook a few weeks ago and gave me his number so that we could hang out. I never texted him because we're not really good friends. He messaged me again a few weeks later and we had a normal conversation then he started telling me that I was cute and stuff.. and that he wanted me to text him. I assumed that he was drunk (he was just at a party) but he said that he sobered up.. and I decided that I would text him. So I text him and he starts to ask me how many times I've hooked up and I said like five times and he's like guys or girls and I said both hbu. then he's like sweet I've only hooked up with girls but I want to with guys. (I saw it coming). So we talk until one in the morning through text (which was kind of annoying) but apparently he's not out to anyone and saw that I had a lot of gay friends on facebook so he assumed something was up with me. So we're gonna 'hang out' friday. I'm excited. He's cute.
So summers sinking in, and I've spent a lot of time doing nothing when I could be doing something. (my friends coming over in a few minutes so writing this is basically to pass the time). I'm in summer school now and its every weekday morning from eight to twelve thirty and I go straight to summer school from swimming which starts at six. So I have to get up really early :(
Anyway its already been a week of summer school and I'm getting used to the people in it. I was pretty nervous at the beginning to meet peopel but everyone turned out nice and normal and I've gotten used to them. I guess that's usually how these sort of social situations go for me.
Oh, story. So a nice cute guy that I know who was in my english class last year started talking to me on facebook a few weeks ago and gave me his number so that we could hang out. I never texted him because we're not really good friends. He messaged me again a few weeks later and we had a normal conversation then he started telling me that I was cute and stuff.. and that he wanted me to text him. I assumed that he was drunk (he was just at a party) but he said that he sobered up.. and I decided that I would text him. So I text him and he starts to ask me how many times I've hooked up and I said like five times and he's like guys or girls and I said both hbu. then he's like sweet I've only hooked up with girls but I want to with guys. (I saw it coming). So we talk until one in the morning through text (which was kind of annoying) but apparently he's not out to anyone and saw that I had a lot of gay friends on facebook so he assumed something was up with me. So we're gonna 'hang out' friday. I'm excited. He's cute.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
wisconsin
I went to wisconsin to see my friend who is probably my favorite person ever. She lives at her mother's house. Her parents are divorced but her dad still stays with her mom occasionally. We went to pridefest which was fun. The whole experience of going some place new with different people helped me realize a lot of stuff about myself and how I act and how I think about people. She's not wealthy so it made me think about my values that I have at home and how I can be materialistic. This feeling probably wont last long but its sticking in my mind.
I saw a lot of cute guys at pridefest who i didn't talk to. I absolutly wished that I had. I don't know why I was being such a loner. I played a lot of volleyball and it was pretty fun. Then there were some hot guys on stage in their underwear dancing. It was a really interesting experience and I'll probably go again next year or something.
That's about it
I saw a lot of cute guys at pridefest who i didn't talk to. I absolutly wished that I had. I don't know why I was being such a loner. I played a lot of volleyball and it was pretty fun. Then there were some hot guys on stage in their underwear dancing. It was a really interesting experience and I'll probably go again next year or something.
That's about it
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
wooo hawks win
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo yeahhhhh.
Our neighbors would honk blow horns every time they scored and blew off fireworks when they won.
It totally feels like summer now because all I've been thinking about lately is hanging out/working out/ swimming. Everything feels really chill and i took a four hour nap today because I've been exhausted from finals and getting up early for practice.
I'm going to six flags tomorrow with some buddies. I haven't been there since middle school
OH this weekend I'm going to visit my friend in Wisconsin. We met at a summer camp five years ago and we've stayed in touch and visited each other ever so often. Also she was one of the first people I came out to. So when I told her I was gay it was in eighth grade and she said that one year she was gonna take me to pride fest and this year she's gonna take me there. I'm really excited. I'm gonna meet a bunch of hot guys
-sigh- its 11 and i have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning..
Our neighbors would honk blow horns every time they scored and blew off fireworks when they won.
It totally feels like summer now because all I've been thinking about lately is hanging out/working out/ swimming. Everything feels really chill and i took a four hour nap today because I've been exhausted from finals and getting up early for practice.
I'm going to six flags tomorrow with some buddies. I haven't been there since middle school
OH this weekend I'm going to visit my friend in Wisconsin. We met at a summer camp five years ago and we've stayed in touch and visited each other ever so often. Also she was one of the first people I came out to. So when I told her I was gay it was in eighth grade and she said that one year she was gonna take me to pride fest and this year she's gonna take me there. I'm really excited. I'm gonna meet a bunch of hot guys
-sigh- its 11 and i have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning..
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
buddhism
Well not really buddhism. But meditation.
We had a guy come into my eastern religions class to meditate with us and teach us how to do it. He seemed to be around thirty or forty. At first he came off as kinda awkward cuz he had a deep forced voice and he talked kinda fast. So he told us to close our eyes and forget about everything. Since finals is coming up I've been worrying a lot so that's been hard to do. He then said to just exist. Nothing matters except the present so forget about the future and the past. Stuff like that. Anyway, he said more stuff but that was the main idea of it. Then we got to ask him questions and he turned out to be really cool and he had a really sweet and sort of nervous personality which i found really cute. We asked him questions and apparently he decided to go to Buddhism because it offered a solution to the problem of human suffering which he couldn't find in the catholic church at that time. He identifies as Buddhist and Catholic at the same time and he talked about how some of his family members stopped talking to him because he became a Buddhist.
Someone asked if he would raise his kids Buddhist and he said that he wasn't married.
I see him as a sort of guy who is lonely and sad and self loathing but at the same time is looking for someone because he has a lot of love to offer. Maybe he's gay. What a sad life to be gay and have a deeply catholic family.
Anyway I went up to him after class to talk.. He's not very attractive but he has dark hair and dark eyes and he has a very solid presence. He was sorta cute actually. I asked him what I could to if I wanted to start practicing meditation by myself at home. He was very nice and said to spend five minutes in the morning sitting on the side of my bed and close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. He said that if I do this enough that I'll eventually be able to do it for longer periods of time.
So I left class and told people that I was gonna become a Buddhist. A lot of people were like wow don't do that or like wow that's gay. So I stopped telling people cuz I don't wana seem like some poser Buddhist. But I'm gonna try meditating the morning.
We had a guy come into my eastern religions class to meditate with us and teach us how to do it. He seemed to be around thirty or forty. At first he came off as kinda awkward cuz he had a deep forced voice and he talked kinda fast. So he told us to close our eyes and forget about everything. Since finals is coming up I've been worrying a lot so that's been hard to do. He then said to just exist. Nothing matters except the present so forget about the future and the past. Stuff like that. Anyway, he said more stuff but that was the main idea of it. Then we got to ask him questions and he turned out to be really cool and he had a really sweet and sort of nervous personality which i found really cute. We asked him questions and apparently he decided to go to Buddhism because it offered a solution to the problem of human suffering which he couldn't find in the catholic church at that time. He identifies as Buddhist and Catholic at the same time and he talked about how some of his family members stopped talking to him because he became a Buddhist.
Someone asked if he would raise his kids Buddhist and he said that he wasn't married.
I see him as a sort of guy who is lonely and sad and self loathing but at the same time is looking for someone because he has a lot of love to offer. Maybe he's gay. What a sad life to be gay and have a deeply catholic family.
Anyway I went up to him after class to talk.. He's not very attractive but he has dark hair and dark eyes and he has a very solid presence. He was sorta cute actually. I asked him what I could to if I wanted to start practicing meditation by myself at home. He was very nice and said to spend five minutes in the morning sitting on the side of my bed and close my eyes and just focus on my breathing. He said that if I do this enough that I'll eventually be able to do it for longer periods of time.
So I left class and told people that I was gonna become a Buddhist. A lot of people were like wow don't do that or like wow that's gay. So I stopped telling people cuz I don't wana seem like some poser Buddhist. But I'm gonna try meditating the morning.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
sunday ..bleh
today was possibly the nicest day all year. I rode my bike around then i went to a friends house and we just sat outside and talked it was so relaxing. I'm planning to get together with him and a few other guys to record some songs we made up. We're pretty good. we started the band like last year but we didn't get together too often. When we did we got a lot done though, and we probably have like ten original songs in total now. Our guitarist is really freaking good. He basically makes the band. The other two guys are on the swim team with me and they okay (drums and bass) they mainly just write lyrics. I sing and write awesome lyrics. This summer is when all our good shit is gonna come out and we're gonna make cd's and make lots of money. Yeah just wait and see.. our name is dirty plunger so just like google us in a few months haha
Finals are in two weeks and I probs wont have time to get on here and write stuff.. but maybe during the summer.
Finals are in two weeks and I probs wont have time to get on here and write stuff.. but maybe during the summer.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
my goals
my goals for this weekend:
Watch TV (haven't done that in a LONG time)
go to the library to study
see people that I haven't seen in a while
get up before 9 on saturday and sunday morning
Watch TV (haven't done that in a LONG time)
go to the library to study
see people that I haven't seen in a while
get up before 9 on saturday and sunday morning
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
swimming
So I was looking through pictures from last high school season and it brought back fond memories. I'm really thankful that I have swimming in my life. I used to hate it a lot cuz it was hard and time consuming but as of right now I look back and it's all so rewarding. My best friends are on the swim team and I honestly don't know what I would do without them. I used to not want to swim in college but now I honestly think that would be the stupidest thing ever because I would miss out on some of the greatest experiences of being on a team. There isn't really any other feeling like it. It's also given me a bunch of self esteem that probably wouldn't be there if I didn't swim. I'd probably have no muscle at all if I didn't swim. So yeah.. teams are awesome. Everyone basically loves each other and looks out for each other. The older guys on the team have been like older brothers.. and right now I'm trying to be the same to the younger guys. Club season is going on, which is fine, but I really want to go back to high school season because it was so much fun. I kinda regret not doing polo. I'm gonna miss the seniors next year..
Monday, May 17, 2010
cloudy day
Today was a pretty chill day. I asked my mom to call me out of my first two periods cuz I had an impossible chem test I didn't study for.. and I sorta regret doing that cuz I'll have to take it tomorrow by myself with no one to cheat off. That's about it. I just got back home.. and everything's like super chill. So yeah that's all
Sunday, May 16, 2010
ello
hellllllllooooooo
I've tried to fix my posture so many times its pretty much a failed effort..
So I've resorted to picking the most generic name for my blog, but it pretty much sums up what I am and its sort of appealing
I'm really excited for college even though I know I'm only a sophomore. I remember in eighth grade being really nervous for high school (especially the swim team) and I kinda have the same feeling now when I think of college. I mean I'm sure it'll be cool and fun but the whole thing seems big and intimidating sometimes.
I've been kind of unhappy again lately and I don't really know what to do with myself. I always stay up late sunday night doing hw and that probs what I'm gonna do tonight.
How do I promote this silly blog? Don't hesitate to click follow ;)
I've tried to fix my posture so many times its pretty much a failed effort..
So I've resorted to picking the most generic name for my blog, but it pretty much sums up what I am and its sort of appealing
I'm really excited for college even though I know I'm only a sophomore. I remember in eighth grade being really nervous for high school (especially the swim team) and I kinda have the same feeling now when I think of college. I mean I'm sure it'll be cool and fun but the whole thing seems big and intimidating sometimes.
I've been kind of unhappy again lately and I don't really know what to do with myself. I always stay up late sunday night doing hw and that probs what I'm gonna do tonight.
How do I promote this silly blog? Don't hesitate to click follow ;)
saturday (well, sunday now)
I had a reunion with the musical people I hung out with. It was only two weeks ago when it ended but it seems like longer.
It was in my friend's awesome basement and he has a karaoke and loud ass speaker and a bunch of crazy cool lights. I was actually really happy to see everyone again and i realized I'm really comfortable around those people. I mean, most of them know I'm gay and that's probably why.
Anyway there's this one really cute freshman kid who's really funny and he was at the party. He's jacked and has a low voice so he seems more like a junior or someone my age. He's really really cute. The whole night I felt like he was flirting with me, like I was lying on this couch next to my friend and he just jumps on top of us and he asks me to feel his abs. So I did and I started to get hard so i told him to get off so he wouldnt feel it. haha. Then later we were sitting next to each other and we were talking and he starts rubbing my arm.. so yeah. I guess he's bi or something. He's acts really straight and is kinda a jock.. but I wana have another reunion so i can see him again and maybe we can get somewhere
A friend of mine told me he did shrooms. He made it sound really cool and he said the grass was smiling at him.
So apparently rock n roll was originally a euphemism for sex.. i didn't know that. It makes so much sense that I think about it now.
I'm doing a project on radiohead in my music theory class. The guys in the band all cool guys. Like they all are smart and went to college and aren't like huge druggies like they live responsible lives. Only one of them is hot (I forgot his name). Thom Yorke is a weirdo, in a good way though! He's pretty funny looking and one of his eyes is droopy cuz he was born with one of his eyelids shut. I listened to their song 'creep' for the first time in a while and actually though about the lyrics and its pretty sad. The chorus goes: I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here I don't belong here.. and yeah. The song's basically about this girl that Thom Yorke stalked around after he saw her at one of his concerts. A little weird. I still feel bad for him.
I haven't been to swim practice in a week and it's really pathetic how I've barely gone to practice the past two months. I feel like I could have gotten better or at least gotten in better shape. But I've been getting a lot of homework.. and there's only about two or three weeks left of school so after that I'll definitely try to buff up again.
So I think I said this already but I have decided not to do the musical next year..
I feel like such a stereotypical gay boy when I'm doing the musical and at least when I swim I'll be breaking some stereotypes and I can feel good about myself.
I know I'm just bringing up random topics but that's how my brain works. Final thought
I kinda want to go back into the closet. I mean I haven't told that many people at my school but I have a few groups of friends where a substantial amount of people know about me. I miss the closet cuz I felt like I was living a double life whenever I would go off and watch porn or gay shows or movies. Then I'd go back to life and be a normal kid. Now I guess I'm more self conscious about it because more people know and I just can't pretend like it doesn't exist. But once I was talking to this guy I met online and he was bi athletic guy who was in the closet and I asked him why he didn't come out. And he was like "Are you an athlete?" Like 'don't you understand?' as if it's so obvious that I should stay in the closet. So I thought about that a lot.. And also he said something like "your personal life is supposed to be a secret and that's what makes it special"
I'm an athlete. And all my out gay friends don't do sports. I don't know any out gay swimmers. There are some really good swimmers that are obviously gay but don't say anything about it. Like Sam Metz and kevin overholt.
Anyway I'm still deciding what I want and when and if I want to come out fully. I might just come out as bi cuz I feel like all the hot guys who like guys are bi. And I can still retain some of my masculinity. I mean, I guess I do kinda like girls.. well never mind. haha.
It's late.. goodnight
It was in my friend's awesome basement and he has a karaoke and loud ass speaker and a bunch of crazy cool lights. I was actually really happy to see everyone again and i realized I'm really comfortable around those people. I mean, most of them know I'm gay and that's probably why.
Anyway there's this one really cute freshman kid who's really funny and he was at the party. He's jacked and has a low voice so he seems more like a junior or someone my age. He's really really cute. The whole night I felt like he was flirting with me, like I was lying on this couch next to my friend and he just jumps on top of us and he asks me to feel his abs. So I did and I started to get hard so i told him to get off so he wouldnt feel it. haha. Then later we were sitting next to each other and we were talking and he starts rubbing my arm.. so yeah. I guess he's bi or something. He's acts really straight and is kinda a jock.. but I wana have another reunion so i can see him again and maybe we can get somewhere
A friend of mine told me he did shrooms. He made it sound really cool and he said the grass was smiling at him.
So apparently rock n roll was originally a euphemism for sex.. i didn't know that. It makes so much sense that I think about it now.
I'm doing a project on radiohead in my music theory class. The guys in the band all cool guys. Like they all are smart and went to college and aren't like huge druggies like they live responsible lives. Only one of them is hot (I forgot his name). Thom Yorke is a weirdo, in a good way though! He's pretty funny looking and one of his eyes is droopy cuz he was born with one of his eyelids shut. I listened to their song 'creep' for the first time in a while and actually though about the lyrics and its pretty sad. The chorus goes: I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doing here I don't belong here.. and yeah. The song's basically about this girl that Thom Yorke stalked around after he saw her at one of his concerts. A little weird. I still feel bad for him.
I haven't been to swim practice in a week and it's really pathetic how I've barely gone to practice the past two months. I feel like I could have gotten better or at least gotten in better shape. But I've been getting a lot of homework.. and there's only about two or three weeks left of school so after that I'll definitely try to buff up again.
So I think I said this already but I have decided not to do the musical next year..
I feel like such a stereotypical gay boy when I'm doing the musical and at least when I swim I'll be breaking some stereotypes and I can feel good about myself.
I know I'm just bringing up random topics but that's how my brain works. Final thought
I kinda want to go back into the closet. I mean I haven't told that many people at my school but I have a few groups of friends where a substantial amount of people know about me. I miss the closet cuz I felt like I was living a double life whenever I would go off and watch porn or gay shows or movies. Then I'd go back to life and be a normal kid. Now I guess I'm more self conscious about it because more people know and I just can't pretend like it doesn't exist. But once I was talking to this guy I met online and he was bi athletic guy who was in the closet and I asked him why he didn't come out. And he was like "Are you an athlete?" Like 'don't you understand?' as if it's so obvious that I should stay in the closet. So I thought about that a lot.. And also he said something like "your personal life is supposed to be a secret and that's what makes it special"
I'm an athlete. And all my out gay friends don't do sports. I don't know any out gay swimmers. There are some really good swimmers that are obviously gay but don't say anything about it. Like Sam Metz and kevin overholt.
Anyway I'm still deciding what I want and when and if I want to come out fully. I might just come out as bi cuz I feel like all the hot guys who like guys are bi. And I can still retain some of my masculinity. I mean, I guess I do kinda like girls.. well never mind. haha.
It's late.. goodnight
Friday, May 14, 2010
ae;bvaoi/l;sdmc
I have done nothing with my day
today was a pretty uncomfortable day in general and i had two papers to write last night so i went to bed late. Things have been pretty dull lately.
This this cute kid name peter who is in my health class and I'm under the impression that he is bisexual. It says so on his facebook and i sometimes hear references about it. But I'm not entirely sure. I alway check his facebook to make sure it still says he's bisexual.
My other friend peter might have a party saturday cuz his mom is gone. I'm pretty excited I've only been to one real high school party so far. I guess Peter's a bad influence on me but in a different sense its good that I'm able to experience new things like weed and drinking. haha okay well i guess those things aren't good. But he's a fun guy to be around and im glad he showed my those things.
Anyway..my first and only real party was a few months ago a the end of February after the state meet. But it was my first one and I ended up drinking a shitload and had to go to a club swim meet the next morning. (Thats when i discovered i dont get hangovers lol) Anyway a couple guys on the team were telling me how they were doubting that i was going to drink. I'm pretty sure people see me as the guy who never hangs out or does anything cool because he has to do homework and swim all the time and he probably has strict parents. I mean, that's kinda true but I don't want people to think that about me. I mean I want to have fun and do crazy shit but im not exactly an outgoing person so i guess that closes a lot of opportunities for me.
I recently found out about two closeted gay guys at my school (I have my sources). A few years ago i thought the world was devoid of gays but that perspective has completely changed this past year.
today was a pretty uncomfortable day in general and i had two papers to write last night so i went to bed late. Things have been pretty dull lately.
This this cute kid name peter who is in my health class and I'm under the impression that he is bisexual. It says so on his facebook and i sometimes hear references about it. But I'm not entirely sure. I alway check his facebook to make sure it still says he's bisexual.
My other friend peter might have a party saturday cuz his mom is gone. I'm pretty excited I've only been to one real high school party so far. I guess Peter's a bad influence on me but in a different sense its good that I'm able to experience new things like weed and drinking. haha okay well i guess those things aren't good. But he's a fun guy to be around and im glad he showed my those things.
Anyway..my first and only real party was a few months ago a the end of February after the state meet. But it was my first one and I ended up drinking a shitload and had to go to a club swim meet the next morning. (Thats when i discovered i dont get hangovers lol) Anyway a couple guys on the team were telling me how they were doubting that i was going to drink. I'm pretty sure people see me as the guy who never hangs out or does anything cool because he has to do homework and swim all the time and he probably has strict parents. I mean, that's kinda true but I don't want people to think that about me. I mean I want to have fun and do crazy shit but im not exactly an outgoing person so i guess that closes a lot of opportunities for me.
I recently found out about two closeted gay guys at my school (I have my sources). A few years ago i thought the world was devoid of gays but that perspective has completely changed this past year.
Monday, May 10, 2010
sleep and blowjobs
sleep is so important to my day because without it i usually feel really shitty and bad about myself. I'm a really tall guy and the past few years i have gotten used to being 6'1 but for the most part i'm pretty self conscious about my height.. Anyway its embarrassing for me if I can't act calm and mature because if I'm unable to do that I feel like a big tall idiot.
I'm thinking about whether or not this journal is really good for me. Usually the more I think about things the worse things get. If I'm really lighthearted about everything and just shove stuff off with a 'whatever' I end up happier than I would feel if I look into my life and think about stuff.
I got my first blowjob a few days ago on friday. It was from this cool guy who drives me around and is amazingly cute. I told my close straight friend about it and he was like 'congrats' then the mental image hit him and he got grossed out haha.
Anyway. The cute guy is really nice. I originally wanted a relationship but now I don't see that happening.. it's fine with me if we just screw around and cuddle sometimes. i've been thinking about the experience a lot lately.. and I feel like I miss him sometimes. I'm afraid to let him know though because whenever I try to contact him or text him he sends me the shortest responses and its really discouraging.. and he barely ever acts like he really cares about me. He acts like a jerk sometimes.. and he talks a lot about himself. I'll get lucky if he asks me a question in one of our conversations. But he's the best I have for now, and I love a lot of things about him (his face, masculinity, generosity..) And he drives me around everywhere voluntarily and he can be sweet sometimes and he can make my heart melt. Sometimes.
The past hour and a half has been so unproductive. I mean, I just can't not look at porn. I really don't deserve a laptop in my room. Honestly.. my parents should take it away. Its bad for me.
I'm thinking about whether or not this journal is really good for me. Usually the more I think about things the worse things get. If I'm really lighthearted about everything and just shove stuff off with a 'whatever' I end up happier than I would feel if I look into my life and think about stuff.
I got my first blowjob a few days ago on friday. It was from this cool guy who drives me around and is amazingly cute. I told my close straight friend about it and he was like 'congrats' then the mental image hit him and he got grossed out haha.
Anyway. The cute guy is really nice. I originally wanted a relationship but now I don't see that happening.. it's fine with me if we just screw around and cuddle sometimes. i've been thinking about the experience a lot lately.. and I feel like I miss him sometimes. I'm afraid to let him know though because whenever I try to contact him or text him he sends me the shortest responses and its really discouraging.. and he barely ever acts like he really cares about me. He acts like a jerk sometimes.. and he talks a lot about himself. I'll get lucky if he asks me a question in one of our conversations. But he's the best I have for now, and I love a lot of things about him (his face, masculinity, generosity..) And he drives me around everywhere voluntarily and he can be sweet sometimes and he can make my heart melt. Sometimes.
The past hour and a half has been so unproductive. I mean, I just can't not look at porn. I really don't deserve a laptop in my room. Honestly.. my parents should take it away. Its bad for me.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
life. yeah
I wish school could be over.. so badly. Things are falling apart. I want my damn license. Fucking shit. I want it so badly. I have to wait another year. Things are going so.. i just feel really bad. I feel really shitty about myself. I want another day off from school. I don't want homework.
I think I'll take a shower. why do i even write in here?
I think I'll take a shower. why do i even write in here?
Friday, April 30, 2010
I totally need swimming again, I cannot remain without exercise. Musical was fun today and yesterday and yesterday we did this thing ("soul circle") where we all said our feelings about the musical and I got emotional when I started to talk about it. I said all these good things about it and honestly I really don't like it that much. I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn't really fit into any of the other puzzle pieces even though I can kinda force myself to fit in with a few people. And I don't feel good about myself after. I'm a really minor role, and its weird going from a top swimmer to a less than average performer. I'd probably like it more if I was better at singing or had a lead role.
A lot of girls there are bitches. Total bitches. And they need to shut the fuck up, I'm not kidding. The overall atmosphere is positive but you can tell that there a lot of bitchy people and dirty looks and cliques. At least to me. Musical isn't even a team effort its like everyone's in it for themselves.
Anyway that's probably one of the last times ill tell you about musical. I came out to a guy in musical and I'm waiting for a reaction. It's a little awkward but that's how it always starts out I guess.
I failed a math quiz i think.
Its really nice outside.
I'm either gonna take a nap or stay up and eat or do other things on my laptop.
A lot of girls there are bitches. Total bitches. And they need to shut the fuck up, I'm not kidding. The overall atmosphere is positive but you can tell that there a lot of bitchy people and dirty looks and cliques. At least to me. Musical isn't even a team effort its like everyone's in it for themselves.
Anyway that's probably one of the last times ill tell you about musical. I came out to a guy in musical and I'm waiting for a reaction. It's a little awkward but that's how it always starts out I guess.
I failed a math quiz i think.
Its really nice outside.
I'm either gonna take a nap or stay up and eat or do other things on my laptop.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Today is one of the few days when i come back home straight from school.. I'm listening to ben and dave's six pack. The two of them have realllyyy hot voices. who's mike huckabee? Its like free gay news i can download to my computer. Check it out. The weather is amazing today.
I have my first musical performance today and we're most likely going to sell out on of the days. I'm really excited. My mom's making cookies.. bye
I have my first musical performance today and we're most likely going to sell out on of the days. I'm really excited. My mom's making cookies.. bye
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I wish I had more friends or had made more of an effort to make friends. I have a few but I don't go out and do stuff with groups of people. I must work out more. Today was the ACT for juniors and we didn't have school. It was pretty cool. I'm going to an omelet place tomorrow morning because we have a late arrival. Anyway its all really nice its like we have a weekend.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I am not in a calm mood right now. Today I was happy overall though and I felt good.
My mom lets me have a laptop and I can keep it in my room sometimes. There's no school tomorrow and I was in bed under the covers and I had just finished ..relieving some tension. I had my laptop. My mom has a habit of walking into my room and asking me questions. So I was in bed. She walks in. Does not knock. 'Give me your laptop. You can't stay on too long." I said I was on for half an hour. "How much homework do you have?" Not that much I said. "How much have you gotten done? How many hours do you have left?" Not that many. "How many? You need to get your homework done." I REPEATEDLY tell her to get out of my room. PLEASE get out of my room. "THOMAS I NEED to know how much homework you have today. I NEED to take your laptop." Get out of my room. "I'm taking your laptop right now." NO. "I'm going to have dad take it away." Why do you give me a laptop if you're never going to let me have it? Theres no school tomorrow. Ahem. There's no school tomorrow! please leave!
So she walks out and a few seconds later walks in and says something like "I want to let you know that blah blah your future blah blah homework blah blah." GO AWAY! Why don't you bother my sister? Why don't you bombard her with homework questions? So she goes on talking, telling me what to do. She can never lose an argument. She never gives in and never stops talking sometimes. I scream. GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW. GET OUT OF MY ROOM. GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
I took a blood pressure test earlier this morning and they said it was fine but I looked at all my friends blood pressure scores and apparently I actually do have high blood pressure. When I scream I strain my voice like crazy and I feel like my face turns red with blood. I'll have outbursts sometimes if someone or something really makes me mad. I usually let an argument like this with my mom slide but I felt like I didn't want to be taken advantage of today. Even if my blood pressure does go up.
I got a 97 on my math test that I took yesterday while I was on my ADD meds. This seriously proves that I need to take those pills whenever there's a test day.
Juniors have the ACT tomorrow and I just feel bad for them. I'm sad I need to take it next year. But at least for me it means there's no school tomorrow, hehe
My mom lets me have a laptop and I can keep it in my room sometimes. There's no school tomorrow and I was in bed under the covers and I had just finished ..relieving some tension. I had my laptop. My mom has a habit of walking into my room and asking me questions. So I was in bed. She walks in. Does not knock. 'Give me your laptop. You can't stay on too long." I said I was on for half an hour. "How much homework do you have?" Not that much I said. "How much have you gotten done? How many hours do you have left?" Not that many. "How many? You need to get your homework done." I REPEATEDLY tell her to get out of my room. PLEASE get out of my room. "THOMAS I NEED to know how much homework you have today. I NEED to take your laptop." Get out of my room. "I'm taking your laptop right now." NO. "I'm going to have dad take it away." Why do you give me a laptop if you're never going to let me have it? Theres no school tomorrow. Ahem. There's no school tomorrow! please leave!
So she walks out and a few seconds later walks in and says something like "I want to let you know that blah blah your future blah blah homework blah blah." GO AWAY! Why don't you bother my sister? Why don't you bombard her with homework questions? So she goes on talking, telling me what to do. She can never lose an argument. She never gives in and never stops talking sometimes. I scream. GET OUT OF MY ROOM NOW. GET OUT OF MY ROOM. GET OUT OF MY ROOM.
I took a blood pressure test earlier this morning and they said it was fine but I looked at all my friends blood pressure scores and apparently I actually do have high blood pressure. When I scream I strain my voice like crazy and I feel like my face turns red with blood. I'll have outbursts sometimes if someone or something really makes me mad. I usually let an argument like this with my mom slide but I felt like I didn't want to be taken advantage of today. Even if my blood pressure does go up.
I got a 97 on my math test that I took yesterday while I was on my ADD meds. This seriously proves that I need to take those pills whenever there's a test day.
Juniors have the ACT tomorrow and I just feel bad for them. I'm sad I need to take it next year. But at least for me it means there's no school tomorrow, hehe
Monday, April 26, 2010
Musical practices go to ten o clock.
be who you are and say how you feel cuz those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
I feel stupid when I probably should not. I took concerta to help me concentrate (ADD meds, i could probably make a lot of money selling it to classmates, and yeah people actually do that) and holy crap did it work. It helped so much. Usually i take a small dose of it that lasts 4 hours and it barely does shit but today I took the one that lasts 12 hours and it was insane. I have never felt such a desire to stay focused. I actually wanted to learn haha. Every distraction went away.
I did some bicep curls today just to make myself feel like I'm not deteriorating.. I haven't done any exercise in a long long time. I'm not even in gym this semester because I'm taking health.
A.H said I was cute. A.H. is a gay kid who goes to the other school in our district, we met through gay mutual friends. He's in the pit while I'm performing the musical, and we say hi sometimes. He said he wishes I was single. I'll get into my relationship situation later.
There's a guy in the musical who I find very attractive. I really feel like putting myself out more.
I got essentially no homework done.
I think I'll get some thoughts down everyday.
be who you are and say how you feel cuz those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
I feel stupid when I probably should not. I took concerta to help me concentrate (ADD meds, i could probably make a lot of money selling it to classmates, and yeah people actually do that) and holy crap did it work. It helped so much. Usually i take a small dose of it that lasts 4 hours and it barely does shit but today I took the one that lasts 12 hours and it was insane. I have never felt such a desire to stay focused. I actually wanted to learn haha. Every distraction went away.
I did some bicep curls today just to make myself feel like I'm not deteriorating.. I haven't done any exercise in a long long time. I'm not even in gym this semester because I'm taking health.
A.H said I was cute. A.H. is a gay kid who goes to the other school in our district, we met through gay mutual friends. He's in the pit while I'm performing the musical, and we say hi sometimes. He said he wishes I was single. I'll get into my relationship situation later.
There's a guy in the musical who I find very attractive. I really feel like putting myself out more.
I got essentially no homework done.
I think I'll get some thoughts down everyday.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Being in a musical
I think I've decided not to take my laptop outside of my house.
I decided to do the school musical because.. I wanted to experience what different types of people can be like. I wanted to meet gay people too. Now that I've joined musical, I've realized that I was correct: there are gay people. There's like three or four ones who are out. However these gay people are not the gay people that I would have liked to have met. It's not that they're not cool, it's that they're weird, or peculiar in a social or physical (or both) way. I am being super judgmental right now but that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I get a lot of evil stares from people that I don't know when I pass by them. Many aspects of the experience has been very awkward. There are also a lot of people who I just don't like. It makes me mad how they can never shut up, and how they act so energetic and dramatic all the time. Life is not so dramatic all of you people are just wasting your energy.
I didn't really know what I had signed up for when I started it. A guy missed his brothers wedding to go to one of the rehearsals. We stay from after school til ten at night. On weekends its noon to ten. It's kind of fun talking to people but I feel crappy afterwards because my part in the musical is so little and I feel like I waste my time being there because I really don't do anything important.
There are like, three hot guys there. And it's not like they're gay either.
I have honors classes that I need to do homework consistently for. My mom told me that she wanted me to go to an ivy league school. It was kind of out of the blue, although she had mentioned to me before that she though that I would fit in at a smart school. Now she's demanding it from me. I don't want to go to an ivy league school. I used to think that I did, but it seems so unlikely that I would get in. Also I would have a lot of trouble feeling like I was special in any way. And I don't want to be surrounded by people whose main priority is.. being smart. I'd rather be surrounded by people who are well rounded. I'd rather have someone more well rounded.
My experience is that really smart people are not the people who i enjoy being around, because they talk like they're better than you, or they talk in a way that is hard to keep up with or hard to understand.
I jump around to different subjects a lot. Sorry if its unclear what I'm talking about.
Anyway I have some homework to do I guess for my classes. I think I'll be happy with B's this semester. I don't care. This semester was really hard and it will be such a relief to get it over with.
Anyway I think I have an interesting concluding thought. It's not a positive thought, but it's sort of interesting and sort of important that I write it down for myself. I have a strong need to feel proud of myself. If I talk to loud, I feel obnoxious. If I act flamboyantly gay, I feel uncomfortable and sort of disgusted with myself. A lot of times I will look back on my behavior and decide whether or not I am proud of or satisfied with how I have acted. The part of this that's interesting is that I rarely feel proud of myself or satisfied with myself. The vast majority of the time it's just 'okay' for me. The times I feel good about myself is when I am swimming, or when I finish a hard swimming set, or when I spend a whole day with good posture, or when I act tough and masculine and assertive around my friends. Sometimes I wish I had pushed down my feelings of being gay and had never come out to anyone. That way I could forget that it existed, and I would feel less embarrassed by it. I could look at myself and be proud myself, and I could tell myself that I am someone that other people would look up to, or possibly be a little intimidated by. I could pretend that I wasn't gay and build up a masculine character for myself. That's why sometimes I wish I played football or baseball. I could have been good at it, and people would look up to me and I would be compelled to act manly.
I am not proud of being in musical and I tell as little people as I can. I don't like it there, I feel like an idiot, I feel like crap, and I feel like I need swimming to bring me back to life.
I decided to do the school musical because.. I wanted to experience what different types of people can be like. I wanted to meet gay people too. Now that I've joined musical, I've realized that I was correct: there are gay people. There's like three or four ones who are out. However these gay people are not the gay people that I would have liked to have met. It's not that they're not cool, it's that they're weird, or peculiar in a social or physical (or both) way. I am being super judgmental right now but that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I get a lot of evil stares from people that I don't know when I pass by them. Many aspects of the experience has been very awkward. There are also a lot of people who I just don't like. It makes me mad how they can never shut up, and how they act so energetic and dramatic all the time. Life is not so dramatic all of you people are just wasting your energy.
I didn't really know what I had signed up for when I started it. A guy missed his brothers wedding to go to one of the rehearsals. We stay from after school til ten at night. On weekends its noon to ten. It's kind of fun talking to people but I feel crappy afterwards because my part in the musical is so little and I feel like I waste my time being there because I really don't do anything important.
There are like, three hot guys there. And it's not like they're gay either.
I have honors classes that I need to do homework consistently for. My mom told me that she wanted me to go to an ivy league school. It was kind of out of the blue, although she had mentioned to me before that she though that I would fit in at a smart school. Now she's demanding it from me. I don't want to go to an ivy league school. I used to think that I did, but it seems so unlikely that I would get in. Also I would have a lot of trouble feeling like I was special in any way. And I don't want to be surrounded by people whose main priority is.. being smart. I'd rather be surrounded by people who are well rounded. I'd rather have someone more well rounded.
My experience is that really smart people are not the people who i enjoy being around, because they talk like they're better than you, or they talk in a way that is hard to keep up with or hard to understand.
I jump around to different subjects a lot. Sorry if its unclear what I'm talking about.
Anyway I have some homework to do I guess for my classes. I think I'll be happy with B's this semester. I don't care. This semester was really hard and it will be such a relief to get it over with.
Anyway I think I have an interesting concluding thought. It's not a positive thought, but it's sort of interesting and sort of important that I write it down for myself. I have a strong need to feel proud of myself. If I talk to loud, I feel obnoxious. If I act flamboyantly gay, I feel uncomfortable and sort of disgusted with myself. A lot of times I will look back on my behavior and decide whether or not I am proud of or satisfied with how I have acted. The part of this that's interesting is that I rarely feel proud of myself or satisfied with myself. The vast majority of the time it's just 'okay' for me. The times I feel good about myself is when I am swimming, or when I finish a hard swimming set, or when I spend a whole day with good posture, or when I act tough and masculine and assertive around my friends. Sometimes I wish I had pushed down my feelings of being gay and had never come out to anyone. That way I could forget that it existed, and I would feel less embarrassed by it. I could look at myself and be proud myself, and I could tell myself that I am someone that other people would look up to, or possibly be a little intimidated by. I could pretend that I wasn't gay and build up a masculine character for myself. That's why sometimes I wish I played football or baseball. I could have been good at it, and people would look up to me and I would be compelled to act manly.
I am not proud of being in musical and I tell as little people as I can. I don't like it there, I feel like an idiot, I feel like crap, and I feel like I need swimming to bring me back to life.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
who can we trust?
I recently have been reading a guys blog named mikey, who seemed nice and cute and personal. I practically fell in love with him, his courage, his stories. I had so much admiration for him. It kills me to find out that he's not real. These things hurt too much. I cried.
He seemed like a hot modest quiet sweet masculine athletic unassuming kid. And I contemplated emailing him to meet up when i went over to minnesota for a swim meet. I put a lot of trust and willingness to believe everything that was said.. and i felt connected to a more exciting and intense world where mikey lived. i had so much admiration within me. I never suspected anything.
So like i said, it kills me. There is so much there that i believed, and that i was so glad to be true. None of it seems to matter now that its gone. A whole world, is gone. A whole world is a fantasy made in the mind of a forty year old guy who wants to fool kids for attention. I wonder what must have gone through his mind when he started the blog. He helped so many people and if anything i wish he hadn't let out his real identity.
I've seen some blogs of people who claim that they're closeted star NBA people or football players and that to me now is total bullshit. Its so obvious that they're fake even by the way they write their blogs. I'm afraid to believe other people and you may doubt me, and i can never blame you. but my purpose is to make up for the lack of genuine people. I will be truthful.. and i won't make you fall on your face like what had happened to me.
So
I am:
A sophomore in high school, varsity swimmer, six foot one, part asian. I'm gay, I think that'll probably be important to readers. I think that's all the info I'm going to put out right now. I made a blogger thing a while ago and post some stuff but it failed so i deleted it all. So I hope there are people that can relate to this. I may not be the popular manly hockey or football or baseball player (although I wish I was) but.. I guess this is what you get.
Oh.. I used to talk really teenager-y and yeah but I stopped and started to use grammar because.. I dont know why. But I'm used to writing this way I feel more articulate and maybe people will take this more seriously. Anyway. That's enough for today. I am heartbroken, but I've started this thing which hopefully will be a good thing for others and myself.
Anyway, goodnight
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